Random Ramblings

The saying goes another day..another dollar, but in our life lately it is another day....another miracle. We have actually had two miracles in two days. The first came in the form of another parent with a child with disabilities pointing out a rule that we were unaware and not informed about. This rule allows Zech to say where he is right now, until we have run through the entire appeal process (which could take up to 90 days). At the very least this would get him through to the end of school. Of course we are still hoping for a miracle in that we get his funding reinstated totally.

The second miracle came today. Last week Tim had to take a night off of work to stay home and take care of me. This was a night off without pay, and we were really sweating how we were going to pay the bills having lost the pay. Well we sat down today, and even though the check was smaller then normal we were still able to pay the bills needed and our tithe this week. God multiplyed the money that came in!!! I am so thankful that God's miracles still happen today. All in all was a great day!

I received this today, and had to pass it on in whatever way I could, because what it says is so true!

Having MS means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about MS and it's effects on us; and many of those who think they do know
are actually misinformed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand...

These are the things that I would like you to understand
about me before you judge me:

Please understand that being sick does not mean I'm no longer a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion and if you visit I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about school, and work, and my family and friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you
talk about yours too.

Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it for a week or two, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time, in fact, I work hard at not being miserable. So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy, that's all. It doesn't mean that I'm still not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Please, don't say "Oh, you are sounding better!" I am not sounding
better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you are welcome to.


Please understand that being able to stand for 10 minutes doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand for 20 minutes or an hour. Just because I was able to stand up for 30 minutes yesterday doesn't mean I can do the same today.
With a lot of diseases and disorders one is either paralyzed, or they can move. With MS it's far more confusing: one hour or day or week or year we may have normal - or almost normal - mobility; the next hour or day or week or year we
may be unable to sit, stand, walk, think, remember, or even get out of bed, we may be unsociable or depressed, and almost assuredly we are in pain. We have good days and bad, and during our good days we may truly not "look sick", but we
are.

Please understand that making plans other than immediate ones is a crap shoot at best, because we can't know how we will feel or what our physical, mental or emotional condition will be. If we seem to hedge about making plans with you, please understand it's because we truly don't know if we will be able to honor them. The same applies if we have to cancel plans previously made or invitations, even at the last minute - it is not personal, and it makes us as frustrated and sad as it does you! That is what MS does to us, and it's how we
must live our lives. It is not just a matter of sucking it in, or bucking up, or psyching ourselves up; believe me if we could, we would!

Please understand that MS is variable - with each person and from person to person. It is quite possible and often all too common, that one day I can walk to the park and back, or bicycle 2-4 miles, or swim 12 laps, or even run with my dog; while the next day I may have great difficulty getting out of bed, walking to the kitchen, or be unable to walk at all without a cane, walker or other mobility aid. Please don't attack me when I can't do today what I did before by saying
"but you did it yesterday!" or "you did it before!" Your frustration can not begin to compare to our own frustration. The very act of planning while not knowing what condition we will be in is stressful and tiring in itself. If you
want me to do something with you, or go someplace with you... ASK if I can. I may well dearly want to go, but simply be physically unable to do so. Understand if I have to say no today, but please ask me again soon.

Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better and can often make me seriously worse. Telling me that I need a treadmill, or that I
just need to lose (or gain) weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes, take these vitamins, herbs, tonics and snake-oil cures will
frustrate me to tears and is totally incorrect. If I was capable of doing things, don't you think I would? And when I am capable, I DO! I work with my doctors and physical therapists and follow the exercise and diet plans they
prescribe.

Another statement that hurts: "You just need to push yourself more..." Obviously, MS directly impacts muscles and ours do not regenerate as quickly as yours do. Pushing ourselves beyond comfortable physical limits can be dangerous and cause a severe relapse. On the other hand, doing what we can when
we can is excellent therapy both physically and mentally... and we do! If I work at a part-time job for 4 hours one day, my fatigue level is greater than yours if you worked a 12 hour day. Many days I can still do anything I ever did as
well as I ever did ... but only one thing per day or week or month. Everything drains us and exhausts us exponentially more than a normal, healthy person our age (whatever age that is); our recovery time is also exponentially greater. If
I go to a party or dinner and show tonight for several hours and have a wonderful time, I do so knowing with 99% certainty that tomorrow I will need all day to rest and recover, much of it spent lying down. MS causes secondary depression in and of itself; our depression may escalate when dealing with days on end of constant pain and limited mobility or cognitive function. We are NOT tired because we are depressed! We are depressed because we are so tired.


When I say I can't do something because I am so fatigued, please don't say "Oh I know what you mean! I am worn out too, but..." because you don't. MS fatigue is not like any tiredness you have ever experienced, nor has anyone who
does not have MS or other fatigue-producing disorder. I know you mean well, but it's irritating to hear because it tells me you don't understand me or my MS at all. I may well be just plain tired - we get normally tired during remission
phases just as any normal person does - but trust me: we know the difference, and it's huge.

When we are together, please understand when I say I have
to sit down, lie down, get a drink, take these pills, or get into a cool place that I have to do it and do it now! No, I can't walk another 5 blocks to the car, or walk back down the hill I just climbed up. Don't baby me, don't hover
over me, don't do things for me unless I ask - we are very proud and never want to be a burden. Our independence, or what we can retain of it, is of paramount importance to us! Please help by listening to and believing what we say we need and act upon it accordingly and as quickly as possible. You wouldn't question a known diabetics request for orange juice or insulin, so please don't question us or urge us to 'keep on... we are almost there!' Not unless you are prepared to
a) carry us the rest of the way or b) call 911. MS does not wait, nor does it forgive... when we say "please ... now!" it means now.

If you want to suggest a cure to me, don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because I have had almost
every single one of my family and friends suggest something at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there
was something that cured, or even markedly helped, all forms of MS the world would know about it. If you still insist on promoting 'cures' to me or giving me 'this will make you better' advice, do so; but understand I won't rush out and
try it though I may well continue to research it on my own and discuss those findings with my doctors.

In many ways I depend on you... people who are not sick... I need you to visit with me when I am unable to go out; sometimes I may need you to help me with shopping, cooking or cleaning; sometimes I may even need you to do those things for me. I may need you to go with me to my doctor
appointments to help me remember and understand their direction, or I may just need a ride. I need you on so many different levels... as much as possible, treat me as normally as possible, enjoy me and allow me to enjoy you as much as
possible, and.... as much as it's possible...I Need you to Understand Me.
Posted on 03/31/09, 04:03 pm on DS http://dailystrength.org/c/Multiple_Sclerosis_MS/forum/6688302-having-ms-means/lastpage

What does that phrase really mean, to go "postal"? Well I have to tell you that any time you deal with the government and their bureaucracy, there is absolutely no other thing you would like better then to walk into said bureaucracy with a fully loaded gun (the biggest baddest you can find) and just blow some heads off. But being the kind natured, non-killing type of person that I am, I guess that is not an option for me. I spent nearly four hours working on an appeal letter for my sons grant money. The whole time I was writing it I was dealing with two feelings. The first of utter hopelessness, that no matter what I write or how urgent my plea, that some "idiot" will read it an once again deny it. The second feeling was one of sadness. By doing this appeal process, I had to dig up any facts and quote them as a basis for my appeal. Now mind you I could only go back through one year of paperwork (this was not part of my four hours by the way). The stack was nearly 12 inches thick of paperwork generated in one year. I was saddened by the continual diagnosises as well as the lack of improvement on his part. It hurts so badly to know as a parent, that even when you have done your absolute best, it still may not be good enough for your child to live a healthy and productive adult life. While I no longer put blame on myself for the circumstances that surrounding his early birth and possible brain damage in utero, I do feel an abundent sadness deep within, that he has such a difficult road to walk down.

All that being said, I have finished the appeal letter, and have several looking at it and proofreading it for me. When that is done, it will be sent to the proper authorities, and then we wait. Oh what Fun!

Well, I don't know what has gotten into me as of late. Here I sit with my hubby home for the next week on vacation, and rather then enjoying the extra free time, I just feel restless. I thought I would be able to put this time to good use writing, but just can't seem to find the inspiration at the moment~or maybe it is the words as the inspiration is always there. I tried to stitch, but just can't seem to get into a rhythm with that either. I even went onto my favorite game site, pogo.com and tried to spend some mindless minutes playing games. Nope that didn't work either. I just feel like "doing" something, but have no idea what! Have you ever felt that way? Of course the "doing" does not include the things I should do like cleaning, laundry, bills, etc. I have a beautiful piece to stitch. I found it here . I would love to sit and work on it, and get it done!!!! (I am making it for our pastor). But I just can't seem to get in a jive...and anyone who stitches knows you can't force that! So here I sit, blogging and staring at my facebook page (BTW that is an evil, evil thing). With my luck, no doubt, I will hit a zone late this afternoon when the kids come home, and then won't be able to continue on in whatever because they will be here distracting me, or hubby will want something or or or...

Ohhh whoa-is-me ROFLOL

Okay, now to be serious.............I shall try to get something accomplished, like some writing perhaps :)

Why is it that when we are in the midst of heartaches or struggles we forget to look upon the One who has all the answers? Why is my first call to my husband or my best friend, rather then to the God who sustains me? God is so good, and faithful for forgiving my insecurities. While in church this morning we were singing a song about being in God's presence, and that is exactly what happened. His presence came and visited on me, in such a tangible way, as if God Himself reached down from heaven, and put His arms around my shoulders. And there I sat crying. God did something for me that I had been needing from those close to me all week, He let me cry on His shoulder! What a wonderful experience. And a peace fell over me. Yes I still have struggles to go through this week, but I have a peace about all of it. I know that God has it all worked out, even if I can't see it!!!!

Anyway, I just had to share.

Had a doctors appointment on Thursday, and yet more trash is dumped into my life. I swear if one more person (not speaking of one of you all of course) says to me "God won't give you more then you can handle" I will go postal and rip their little heads right off of their shoulders! Okay, so that was pretty graphic, sorry!!!! So I went to the doctor because I have been having quite a few problems that are "new" (trouble breathing). I figured it would be a quick visit in which the doctor would say, its asthma or bronchitis and send me about my business. But NO. My lungs were absolutely clear. So his response to me is "I believe the the muscles around your lungs, and perhaps your heart (high blood pressure and heart rate) are fatigued" WHAT THE HECK???? He did not blame it on my MS, but rather sort of indicated he thought it might be a "new" problem. So off to the hospital I went to have a bunch of blood tests, x-rays and such. I have an MRI scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. Then after all the tests come back, he suggested sending me to a new neurologist, a pulmonologist, a rhuemotologist and a cardiologist. That's an awful lot of professionals! Hopefullly whatever "it" is, is quickly diagnosed and treated!

Monday afternoon was flying by, as every other typical Monday afternoon. I went to my mailbox, got the mail, came in the house and began to look it over. In the pile was a letter from a program that funds my 17 year old son Zech's mental health care and residential services, the Illinois Care Grant (or ICG for short). I opened it, thinking not much about it as we have to renew every year. I was so sure that it would be renewed, that I hadn't really even given it a second thought. Well guess what. It wasn't renewed. It is over effective the end of April. Now you have to understand that Zech has been in residential placements for nearly 6 years, not because we don't love him or want him at home, but because HE NEEDS to be there. The audacity of some bozo sitting there making decisions based on very limited information, most of the time without so much as a medical degree, is just outrageous to me. They say that since the last episode of major hallucinations was back in December (What a whole 3 months ago), he is "stable" enough to return to the home environment. Never mind that he is on high amounts of psychotropic drugs, including anti-psychotic medication, never mind that he hasn't been able to handle a home visit of more then two days, never mind that his abilities at school are falling apart, never mind that he is unable to sleep and is giving his home all kinds of hassles, never mind that this same home has three staff members to four kids~AND they change shifts every 8 hours. What the heck am I supposed to do with him????

So being the good mother that I am, I am appeal the process. In the meantime though I have also begun to work on some other things, in case he comes home, to make sure that his needs (and ours) are met. Unfortunately I am hitting HUGE road blocks everywhere I turn. Seems that our state is out of money, and is stupid enough to cancel services for the mentally ill FIRST! What complete morons! Do they not get that this will eventually cost them 2, 3 or even 4 times more money??? I told those that are close to me, that I will fight with everything that is in me to get his grant approved. But that when that fight is over, win or lose, I will begin a campaign like none other in this state. I will guarantee that senators, congressmen, and any other official both in the state and national government will not only Know my name, but grow to FEAR IT!

So, it has been awhile since I posted a note as to what I am up to. Thought I should do that today! So following is a wrap up of what has been going on the last few weeks in the Sorrells Family:

Soccer: Yep soccer has started again. Josh has three to four practices a week plus weight training two days a week and running training three days a week. In addition, we are ramping up to the busy season with our soccer club, getting ready for our upcoming Spring tournament during Memorial Day weekend. (This happens to be the same time my oldest is leaving for Army~More below). Because I am on the tournament committee, I am beginning work on this tournament such as setting vendors up and such. Also have my monthly meeting of the Board which I am the secretary for.

School: The kids are almost to their spring breaks. That means a week and a half home, and have to have things to keep them occupied. Josh, Allyssa and I are going to take off on April 5th and 6th overnight to go to a local indoor water park. We are going up with my best friend Mary and Her daughter. It will be nice to get away from all the stress, and just relax, even if it is only over night!

Church: Church has become really busy. We have been attending Sun. morning and Evening, Wednesday evening, Thursday mornings. In addition I have been going to Women's Ministries on Tuesday morning and cabin fever moms Tuesday afternoons. I have also been working with several other ladies to do a visitation ministry. And my other best friend Leia and I have been meeting every Friday to go over our Sunday school lesson (Beth Moore's A Woman's Heart).

Writing: I am working on two separate books right now, which have both taken up a lot of my free time.

Stitching: Working on the Names of Jesus for my pastor and his wife.

In addition, Robert will be graduating May 17th. (Of course we have a soccer tournament that weekend. Luckily it is fairly local, so we will be doing a lot of driving back and forth etc.). The following weekend is our home tournament, Robert's graduation party, and he will be leaving for basic training that Sunday evening. I can't believe it is SOOOO Close! I am also very busy now that Zech has moved back to the area with appointments and such. Everyday I hope things will slow down a bit, and every day they seem to get busier LOL

Last but not least, Tim and I are waiting to hear about his job. Last Friday they laid off (actually terminated) 40 people~mostly office and higher up people. The company then posted in the newspaper that they were going to have to do "something" (Either chapter 11 bankruptcy or a buyout) by the first of April. There are a lot of rumors of a buyout, but we all believe they will file bankruptcy first then be bought out. The general feeling is that if there is a buyout, they will all lose their jobs, and eventually some of them will be hired back on under a much lower pay. We are just waiting to see what happens, and praying that God provides whatever is necessary.

It has been a long time since I last posted, and for that I apologize. What do I say, other then life happened, and I got carried away in it. I have not been working much on stitching lately, but rather working on a book that will be titled "Flip flops and Sandcastles, what to do when God says wait". I feel that I am to tell a story, not just about MS or my journey through it, but to be able to help others who's journey has ended up in a Wait scenario. God does not always give Yes or No answers. So how we deal with a wait answer is important. I am striving to show in my life on a daily basis, that God can use even the worst of circumstances for the benefit of us and those around us. So, I am working diligently to write what is in my heart, if for no other reason then to give my children something to read into their future, that will uplift and give them hope during times of trouble in their own lives.

Well went to my support group today. It was, well, informative. They had a speaker there from a local IPMR (don't remember what that stands for). She spoke about Fall Prevention. I just kept looking at her thinking, what the heck am I doing here. Most of her information was for "older" persons. She kept quoting statistics and going on and on about how falling is one of the biggest reasons "older" people die.......and that "a fall is the begining of the end". Anyway. I did come away with some information that I may find useful. I also got signed up for the National MS support line. They will be sending a bunch of pamphlets to help me address some of the issues I am having, as well as some information for my friends/family members who don't seem to "get it".

I ended up meeting the man who I had been talking to online. It was comforting, albeit weird, to know I would sort of "know" someone there. And in the end, he kind of made me go....I was waffeling this morning about whether or not to attend, and I just kept thinking how stuck up it would be for me to not show up. So I went. I am not sure that I really got much "encouragement" out of going, but maybe I just need to give myself more time to get to know the people there. One of the other ladies there, probably in her mid 40s, had just been diagnosed within the last three weeks. Then there was the man who I went to school with. Everyone else there was much older. One lady came with her CNA (certified nurses assistant), another lovely lady (maybe 70 or so) came in with her walker. It was a very strange group of people!

After the support group, I decided to make a day of it. I went out to lunch at McDonalds, and then headed off to Hobby Lobby (my favorite store of all). My friend Mary had given me a gift certificate some time ago, and I had a 40% off coupon, so I bought some fabric for some upcoming project LOL. By the time I left the store, it was time for Josh to get off school, so I swung by and picked him up because it was raining. Then the kids decided they wanted pizza for dinner, and I was pooped, so I drove them to Little Ceasers (home of the $5.00 pizza), and then back home! The kids ate dinner at 3:45 LOL. I took a bath, and was in bed by 4:30. Took a bit of a nap, then got up and worked on a bible study. Now its 7:00 and here I sit on the computer, trying to get through the evening, until kids go to bed and hubby gets home, so I can go back to sleep. Ohhh the excitement of my life LOL.

If anyone ever wants more information on this disease (Multiple Sceloris) I have some websites for you to check out. They are:
www.nationalmssociety.org
www.msfacts.org
http://www.mult-sclerosis.org/

I hope no one ever has to "deal" with this illness on a personal basis, but one never knows when you might meet someone with it. Knowledge is power~

I actually did some stitching today. It has been over a week since I have felt up to putting any stitches in my project, so it was really a nice treat. I spent about an hour on my "Quilts in the Garden" project. It is almost done! I am hopeful that I will be able to get it done and delivered by the end of Febuary, providing I can get a couple more good stitching days in.


Tomorrow, I am going to take a leap and attend my first MS support group. I have been going to an online support group nightly for the last few evenings, and find that talking to others who are going through, or have gone through the challenges I am being faced with right now, is comforting. Ironic thing is that I met a gentlemen by the name of "thebug" on the online chat room. We got to chatting about local support groups, and low and behold he lives in my town. It gets stranger! He is the same age as I am~39~ and graduated from the same High School. The only difference is he graduated the year before I did. I will get to meet him at the support group tomorrow, and find out if we "knew" each other in high school (my highschool graduating class had over 800 students, so it is likely we did not know each other).


Well thats all for tonight, I guess. Hopefully next time I post I can send an update along on my "Quilts..." cross-stitch as well :)

I have been listening a lot lately to my local Christian radio station. You can check it out here~you can even listen to the radio over the internet. Anyway, there has been a song that has played over and over lately, that has touched my soul so deep. So I have included the words below.

I Will Rise YOU CAN LISTEN TO IT HERE
Written by Chris Tomlin, Louie Giglio, Jesse Reeves, and Matt Maher
There’s a peace I’ve come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There’s an anchor for my soul
I can say, “it is well”
Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead
I will rise when He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles’ wings

Before my God, fall on my knees

And rise I will rise
There’s a day that’s drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes
And I hear the voice of many angels sing, “worthy is the Lamb”
And I hear the cry of every longing heart, “worthy is the Lamb”

Well let me start by saying I am typing this from the middle of my bed...and how nice it is to be able to be online while "stuck" here. I am so blessed my husband purchased me this laptop!!!

Okay, so my weekend has been full of strange emotional things. First, I was very discouraged Friday night when I went to the Secret Sister Tea. Not because of anything anyone said, but just because of the state I was in physically. At one point I actually started crying, but quickly pulled myself under control.

Saturday, it was warm here (in the mid 50s) so I pulled out my flip-flops. My most beloved thing is to shuck the tennis shoes of the "winter' and put on my flip-flops for the summer. I then wear them as often as I can until it snows again! Problem was, my legs won't flip my flop (I know this doesn't make much sense, but basically my muscles can't handle the flip flops). I just melted into a puddle on the floor bawling. I mean I felt like scream "Not my flip-flops too" but then in the midst of it, it also struck me as hysterically funny to be so upset over something so stupid as FLIP FLOPS!

Okay and for the final thing. On Sat. afternoon, we visited a friends pawn shop looking for a TV. we did not find a TV, but what we did find was an electric wheelchair in fairly good condition, for $500. (The new ones are around $5000). Now at the time, I thought what a blessing from God, as we are struggling with our insurance to pay for one. Also if we buy a used one now, the insurance will pay for a new one in the future, if/when they decide I "need" one. Its very hard to get one (I have a manual wheelchair), because you have to prove that you need it to get around your house. Well I don't yet, but boy it would be nice to be able to get out, and not use up all my energy etc. Anyway.......

I thought I was excited about getting it. (Tim is picking it up tomorrow so we can see if it will work in our house) But now as I sit here and think about it, I just don't feel that excited. Actually truth be told, I feel like crying once again. Its just such an emotional roller-coaster of feelings.

I am such a lucky lucky gal. I have been rather down and depressed lately, as my illness has rared its ugly head. The flares always take some time for me to adjust to mentally. Anyway, we got our tax return and my dear husband went off and bought me a new laptop yesterday, so I could stay active and such as I would like to. I really like the fact that I can take the computer to the area that I am at. The bedroom, the couch etc.

Just thought I would share.... will update on my stitching tomorrow.

Just wanted to get a quick note on here. The whole house (except Tim thank goodness) has come down with the flu. Allyssa has been home from school since last Thursday. Josh has missed yesterday and today. In the usual fashion of children, however, I think the two goblins are well on their way to recovery, and hopefully both children will be back at school tomorrow. If anyone stays home it will be Allyssa, who seems to have got the brunt of this.

I have a very very mild case, and it will stay that way! I can still function primarily good enough to get everything done that needs to get done, so all is good!

Anyway, will report when everything is back to normal!

Thought I would put a few update pictures of my pets on here today.




This is Max and Boots. I wrote about how Max became part of our family this fall. The funny thing about this picture is Max and Boots hate each other most of the day.......except first thing in the morning, when they must work together to stay warm LOL

Its taken me a few days to get to a place where I could actually post this without crying. See I have felt this "need" to get back involved in church. There are two reasons. First, I need to develop a deeper relationship with God. Second, I crave the socializing with other Christians as I don't go very many places. So our church has started a new Thursday Morning service, and I ventured out to attend it. The service was good, and I felt that I had learned something~which after all was my purpose. Afterwards, we all stood together (there were 10 of us) and prayed for one another. However, when it became my turn, I got slapped not once but twice. First I was told by one person that she felt I used my illness as a way to get attention! OUCH! The second slap was from another lady who said that I must not even speak the name of MS because by saying I had it, I was giving the credit to satan and not claiming God's healing in my life.

Now, I have to stop and address this first before I go on. I do believe God is healing me. However, I also believe His timing is not my own. How presumptuous would I be, if I gave Him a time line and a course of plan as to how to Heal my ailment. Maybe I will receive my healing here on earth, maybe not until that day I receive the ultimate of healing. Secondly, I try very hard to NOT say anything or do anything that would make it look as if I am "using" the MS to get attention. I so often go out of my way not to allow people to see what is really going on with me for this very reason. I stayed away from church for months because I was having such a hard time walking. But just to make sure I went to someone in the church that I trust would have the integrity and no problem telling me if she thought I was doing this. She confirmed what I already thought, that no I had not.

Needless to say, I have really been hurt by all of this. And it has made me really wonder why I bother to try to go to church. How do I move from here, to understanding and compassion for these women. My worldly self wants to yell and scream, rant and carry on.....tell them off etc. But I know that this not only will do no good, but it will only harm me in the process. It hurts to know that those people you are looking toward for help, support, and understanding during a difficult time~are the same ones that hurt you the most. I still have not decided whether or not to go on Thursday, but if I do, I can guarantee that my mouth will be SHUT!