Random Ramblings

I have had a day or two to digest everything that has happened in our house, and while I am not happy about the choices the Robert has made (and the consequences of making him move out) I can not any longer hold myself hostage over it. I was up all night wondering where he was, who he was with, if he was sleeping out in the cold. What good am I going to be to any one of my children if I get sick from not sleeping. And am I really showing faith and trust in God if I am constantly worrying...ummm no. Ultimately Robert is in God's hands and I have to let God move and bend Robert as he will. Unfortunately sometimes we learn the hard way instead of the easy way.

So, I am giving up my worry (or at least trying to) to God. I am going to work on the things I can fix. I need to give more quality time to both Josh and Allyssa. I need to do a better job of being a good wife to my husband~and this means doing those things I was put here to do (like cleaning, cooking, laundry etc). I need to do a better job of getting into the word. And I need to make sure that I spend time for myself. Not feeling guilty if I want to stitch, because I have the other things in my home done. I absolutely need to go back to flylady (www.flylady.net) and get my routines in order so that I have that time for me, scheduled time for devotions, scheduled time to spend with the kids building relationships, etc. I also am really going to work on strengthening my relationship with my husband by being more appreciative of what he does, by telling him that, by making his lunches, or any other thing I can do to make him feel loved. The last thing I am going to work on is my health. I am going to get my treadmill set back up and walk every day (even if it is just for 15 minutes) and I am going to start eating the way I know I need to eat for my body to be at its best. I am also going to make the appointments I have put off, take the tests that I haven't wanted to take, and get refills of the medication that I stopped taking when I started neglecting myself for everyone else.

As for Robert, I am going to pray for him and love him. Knowing what I know now, there is no way I can have him back in my house. I hope he does well, I hope he gets the lessons learned that God wants to teach him (that I couldn't) and I hope he stays safe in the process. Most of all I will pray that someday he will forgive me and know that we did what we thought was best in all the decisions we made.

Well, things are not always as they seem, and I really don't have it all together. This has been an extremely difficult few months. The first major thing that happened is that my husband and I refused to leave our church home. Because of this I have lost my best friend who feels I am settling for a "dead church". I believe that both myself and my husband received direct confirmation from God that we are where we are supposed to be. I also believe that not only is our church not dead, it is growing leaps and bounds. Never the less, I have lost my friend, my confidant, my sister. It has deeply hurt me, and I am not sure I will ever be able to trust someone to be that close to me again. So since I don't have her to talk to, I guess I will just use my blog as my way to express where I am at.

My MS has come back in full force. The pain is unbearable at times...yet I don't want to complain, in fact I don't want anyone to know because I don't want to be treated any differently. So I paste on a happy smile, and pretend that everything is fine. But its not. Each day I find a little more of my strength is zapped.

Robert has pushed me so far over the edge that honestly I don't even like him any more. He has had many opportunities for getting a job, but has for whatever reason not followed through on them. To this point he has only worked for 2 weeks since moving in with us at the beginning of Sept. He says he can not get a job, but when told to come back and talk to a manager, or to be somewhere at 8 am, there are always excuses why he can't or doesn't. This morning he was to be at a job interview at 7:45. He did not even get out of bed until 10:30. To that end I drew up a contract that basically says he either has a full time job by Dec. 31st or he is kicked out. Friday he had an "audition" with a band and was excepted as their lead singer. He thinks he will make enough singing a few times a month to be able to pay his bills. He has no problems getting up to go out with friends, spending the weekend with friends, using friends for stuff.....but when it comes to being home and doing what he is supposed to it has become a battle. His attitude of entitlement has just completely worn on me. To add to all of this, we have begun to question because he has been spending the night at another kids house who is openly gay. I don't want my mind to go there, but it does, and it scares me.

Zech has had a difficult few weeks in his placement. While for the most part I think it is good, he is having a problem controlling his anger. He has actually hit a brick wall (instead of his roommate) twice in less then a month. This last time being on Saturday, caused him to have whats called a Boxer's Compound Fracture. Basically his knuckles are broken. He is in a cast and will have to go see a hand specialist.

To top all this off, the stress within our house has caused the younger two to really act up. They have been fighting tooth and nail over nothing in particular. I just can't seem to deal with them on the level I know I should. They are both "good" kids, doing what it takes in school, they don't lie, they don't really get in trouble, they do their chores etc.....but the bickering is just too much. So I end up yelling at the two that so don't deserve it...which just makes me feel like a horrible mom.

The icing on the cake...I am turning 40 in just over a month and I am having a major midlife crisis. I am scared of what this disease is doing to my body, I feel very alone as I no longer have the friend who I thought would be here forever, I feel very ugly and unloved (not that my husband isn't trying), and I feel like a terrible mother. Basically I feel like I have done nothing right. I also feel like a liar, because some think I have it so together, and obviously I am so not even close to that.

Wow, where does time fly, honestly? Thanksgiving is almost here, and I feel like I just got done setting my New Years goals for the year! Talking about goals, here is what I wrote at the beginning of the year...

• eat healthier (trying to keep to around 1700 calories a day)
• Be nicer to people
• Read my bible more often (I am going to strive for once a day, but I am going to remember that perfection isn't achievable)
• Spend more time with my friends
• Be more consistent with my church time
• Spend time every day stitching
• Update my photos weekly
• Most importantly get back to FLYING.

Okay so, the healthier eating went out the window probably before I ever hit the send button on that particular post LOL. I do feel as if I have achieved a few things. I have been nicer to people, I am spending more time with my friends and with my Bible (although NOT perfect). I have been much more consistent with my church time, and have even added a few extra services to the mix (Oh and I joined Choir for Christmas too). As for the last three, well not so much! I went through a spell where I just didn't want to stitch~that thankfully has gone away and I am back with a vengeance. My photos haven't been updated in I don't know how long (will try to do that by the end of the week). As for Flying, I have definitely falling off the wagon, but I am back on it again. Why I walk away from something that so obviously works for me, amazes me.

I will have to really consider the goals I am going to set for myself this year. Again I want to make them realistic goals!

Will post again soon with what I am thankful for. Since it is almost Thanksgiving, I think it is high time I stop looking at negatives, and look at all the things I have to be Thankful for. It will help me be in the right frame of mind going into the holidays. I so want to remember, during this time of year especially, that my goals in life ought to be those of the eternal nature NOT the earthly one~for the earthly things will surely not fulfill me.