Random Ramblings

Today I got relief and reality in one fare swoop. We had a meeting with our local school this morning concerning Zech and his needs. It wasn't long into the meeting before everyone at the table was in agreement that his needs are rather severe. There were many discussions about was/wasn't accomplished this summer with the school, the teachers and there therapist. It seems in many ways, he has stopped at about the level of a 5 year old. The relief came with the suggestion that the school could not provide the services that Zech required, and they agreed to place him back into residential! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Lord!!!!

The Reality struck as we were leaving the meeting. We have all realized that this is as good as it gets for him. He will never be able to live on his own, get married, have children, etc. The reality is that in many ways he will always be a 5 year old kid. Even though I KNOW I have done everything as his mother to help him, I still feel on some level that I have failed. I feel guilty for the relief that I feel knowing that soon he will be living elsewhere (ANYWHERE but here). I feel guilty for my other two at home who have had to endure 6 months of utter chaos, and have lost the little bit of summer that they would normally have. There are feelings of anger, resentment, fear, hurt, grief and so on....that I am sure it will take awhile to figure them all out. But in the mean time, what I really feel is RELIEF!

So, as soon as the school can get a placement lined up, and the paperwork is done, he will be moving. We are hoping (as is the school) that all this will be taking place in the next 30 days!

I have found myself wondering lately what my purpose is here at this time. This all came about after reading a dear friends blog, who also was questioning along the same lines. I think for anyone who has, what they see as limitations, the questioning comes more frequent. So I posed the question to my husband. Exactly what is my purpose right now? He stopped and thought (which is unusual for him). Then he looked at me and said, exactly what you are doing. Being here for the kids, providing safety and comfort in a world that is anything but safe and comforting. But I wanted more, so I began to pray!

Stitching has always been an outlet for me. When I make a particular project, I pray for the person that I am making it for as I work on it. Sometimes I am led to a small project, one that can be done quickly and one that I can work on intensely for a short period of time. I have just such project going right now for a friend of mine. A small token of my appreciation of our friendship. I started it when I knew there was a very real need in her life (a job). And now even before I have completed it, God seems to have answered the prayers! Other projects are long drawn out ones. The "freedom" project I was doing for Robert, has been side lined since he will be coming home for awhile before going back to the Army. That is okay, because I know when he goes again I will be able to pull it back out and continue my prayers for him in the direction.

And yet, I still want more...so I continue to pray!

I have always had a desire to write. I won my first contest when I was like 8 years old. A poem I had written was picked from all the poems that Easter. I won a certificate, and was asked to read my poem on a radio program from an auditorium at the local college. My grandfather and grandmother both were writers. My grandfather published many books of poetry before he died. Both my love of writing and reading have mixed many times over the last few years. I have begun many ventures, but have never been able to finish. Now I am hearing God's voice tell me it's time. But what am I to write, I ask. My husband has great insights and tells me to write about how I kept my faith in God given the circumstances of my life.

And yet, I want more...so I continue to pray!

Last Wednesday night in the church service, our Pastor was talking about our life and how what we spill out is a direct correlation to what is inside. His example was, if you bump a glass of water, water is going to spill over the side of the glass. The question was then when we receive the bumps of life (and boy have I had a lot lately), what do we spill out. Well I didn't like what I saw! And so I began to pray about how I reacted to the things that push into me, and pray about what spills out of my life. In the midst of pain and grief, I have missed opportunities that I could have poured out God. Instead I poured out me.

And finally I have seen. All this is my purpose! I am here to provide comfort and security for my children and my husband. Even if I can not clean, or do dishes, or cook that day, I still have a purpose in being here for them. I have a purpose of being here to listen to them, to encourage them, to give them wise counsel, and to hold them when they are hurt. I am here to pray for those in my life. I have all this extra time that most people don't have, and during it I can spend time in concentrated prayer for the needs of those I care about (and those I don't know yet). God has given me words, and the ability to write, so that I may encourage and uplift others! I need to not worry about "what" I am to write but allow God to move through my fingers, and just WRITE! And last, I have this amazing opportunity to grow myself! How many others can say that they have long periods of time each day in which they can spend reading God's word, praying, learning, and changing! Oh, and I have the added bonus/benefit of getting to do some of the very things that I love to do (Stitching, Writing, Creating).