Things are not always as they seem

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Well, things are not always as they seem, and I really don't have it all together. This has been an extremely difficult few months. The first major thing that happened is that my husband and I refused to leave our church home. Because of this I have lost my best friend who feels I am settling for a "dead church". I believe that both myself and my husband received direct confirmation from God that we are where we are supposed to be. I also believe that not only is our church not dead, it is growing leaps and bounds. Never the less, I have lost my friend, my confidant, my sister. It has deeply hurt me, and I am not sure I will ever be able to trust someone to be that close to me again. So since I don't have her to talk to, I guess I will just use my blog as my way to express where I am at.

My MS has come back in full force. The pain is unbearable at times...yet I don't want to complain, in fact I don't want anyone to know because I don't want to be treated any differently. So I paste on a happy smile, and pretend that everything is fine. But its not. Each day I find a little more of my strength is zapped.

Robert has pushed me so far over the edge that honestly I don't even like him any more. He has had many opportunities for getting a job, but has for whatever reason not followed through on them. To this point he has only worked for 2 weeks since moving in with us at the beginning of Sept. He says he can not get a job, but when told to come back and talk to a manager, or to be somewhere at 8 am, there are always excuses why he can't or doesn't. This morning he was to be at a job interview at 7:45. He did not even get out of bed until 10:30. To that end I drew up a contract that basically says he either has a full time job by Dec. 31st or he is kicked out. Friday he had an "audition" with a band and was excepted as their lead singer. He thinks he will make enough singing a few times a month to be able to pay his bills. He has no problems getting up to go out with friends, spending the weekend with friends, using friends for stuff.....but when it comes to being home and doing what he is supposed to it has become a battle. His attitude of entitlement has just completely worn on me. To add to all of this, we have begun to question because he has been spending the night at another kids house who is openly gay. I don't want my mind to go there, but it does, and it scares me.

Zech has had a difficult few weeks in his placement. While for the most part I think it is good, he is having a problem controlling his anger. He has actually hit a brick wall (instead of his roommate) twice in less then a month. This last time being on Saturday, caused him to have whats called a Boxer's Compound Fracture. Basically his knuckles are broken. He is in a cast and will have to go see a hand specialist.

To top all this off, the stress within our house has caused the younger two to really act up. They have been fighting tooth and nail over nothing in particular. I just can't seem to deal with them on the level I know I should. They are both "good" kids, doing what it takes in school, they don't lie, they don't really get in trouble, they do their chores etc.....but the bickering is just too much. So I end up yelling at the two that so don't deserve it...which just makes me feel like a horrible mom.

The icing on the cake...I am turning 40 in just over a month and I am having a major midlife crisis. I am scared of what this disease is doing to my body, I feel very alone as I no longer have the friend who I thought would be here forever, I feel very ugly and unloved (not that my husband isn't trying), and I feel like a terrible mother. Basically I feel like I have done nothing right. I also feel like a liar, because some think I have it so together, and obviously I am so not even close to that.