Random Ramblings

Weight Loss
I have to say that I hate the phrase "Slow and Steady" but, I shouldn't.  I weighed in again today, and had a loss of 1 lb.  All in all, not to bad for Christmas weigh-in.  I tracked everything I ate, and stayed within my points........so I should be proud of myself.  (I am not, but trying to change my thinking).  I have a two goals for the week ahead.  The first is to get breakfast in every day for seven days~I am NOT a breakfast eater, and this means that I am eating the majority of my points late in the day.  Second, I want to excercise all seven days this week.  I am hoping between the two different goals, I will hit my first 5lb benchmark this next weigh in.

My big concern this week is New Years Eve.  I am going to a party at some friends.  The invite said bring finger foods and goodies, so already I know there will be lots of things I can get myself into trouble on.  I need to formulate a plan before I go!!

Stitching
I have made a new friend through our church.  She is new to the church, and we have found a lot of things we share in common.  Yesterday, she informed me that she had done some pre-printed cross-stitch but had never attempted counted cross-stitch.  Well, of course, I had to share my love with her :)  I went through my stuff, found a pattern for her, a q-snap, some thread and even some fabric.  She is doing a bookmark for her first project.  I got her going, and could hardly pull her attention away from it to visit :).  Anyway, she called me this morning to inform me that she was 1/2 way done, and had already made her first trip to Hobby Lobby for her next project!  I am so proud of myself for sharing my addiction LOL. 

As for my stitching, I am still working on Artecy's "Old Barn In Storm".  I have 1/2 of the second page done (will post when I have finished the page).  I also pulled out some smaller works that I would like to work on here and there.  This is the year of me, and the majority of the projects I work on will be ones that I wanted to do for my house!  Of course, I won't be able to help myself if here and there I have to throw in something I see that just "HAS TO BE" done for a friend/family!

Today is Christmas Day, and what a beautiful, peaceful day it has been.  We started celebrating last evening (Christmas Eve) with a Vespers service at the church, followed by communion and a church wide lighting ceremony.  It really helps put the right perspective on the holidays, and turns our eyes to the One for whom we celebrate!  During communion our Pastor was speaking of why we share communion on Christmas Eve.  First it is to celebrate the initial coming of the Christ Child, then to celebrate His triumphant return and our home-going.  Following church service the kids and I came home to eat Pizza and have a few hours of relaxation before picking Tim up from work.  We picked Tim up and then hurried home for the kids to unwrap their presents.  Unlike other years, it took less then 15 minutes, and the kids feigned suprise (they all already knew what they were getting).  This morning we awoke to snow falling slowing from the sky, great food (and yes I stayed under my points), and fun company.

All the gifts open, company gone, and Tim headed off to work.  It is now time for me to celebrate the day with the quietness of a cozy blanket, some soft tunes, a good book, and some cross-stitch!  I sincerely hope that all my friends, family and extended stitching family had as great of a day as I.  I look forward to the coming year and all the fantastic things I believe God has in store for my family and our surrounding family!

Today was Weight Watchers check-in.  Actually for me, Monday nights are, but I had a conflict, so I went to tonights meeting.  I had trully expected a rather large gain.  I did great the first few days then kind of crashed.  It is such a busy time of the year.  However, I had a loss (YAY ME!)  I have doubled up my efforts for this week and will try much harder to count every bite and excercise every day.  As an incentive, hubby is going to buy me an IPOD after 30 straight days of excercise.  I have made a chart with a picture of my ipod below it, and am taping it somewhere (not sure where yet) to remind me of my goals!  I know that today I will never be this heavy again, and that feels great :)

So, last night was my first official night of WW.  I was all ready to go, book in hand, weighed in, meeting attended and then............  I got up this morning and forgot (Yes I really did forget) that I was on WW and went out to lunch with hubby and family friend.  Ordered my usual at Steak N Shake (a double with ketchup and fries and coke) and ate till my hearts content!  Got home and realized my grievous error.  I had eaten 29 points in ONE MEAL (I only get 27 for the whole day)!  However, in the past I would quit immediately!  This time, I came home and put everything on my journal, and decided I can't do anything about what has been done but I can go forward from here.  SOOOO long story short, that is exactly what I am doing.  I went to church to my "Biggest Winners" excercise class and walked 2 miles!!!!  That is huge for me.  Tomorrow is a new day, and another chance to get it better (notice I didn't say get it right, just better).

Spending the afternoon relaxing after having performed our Christmas program this morning.  I had a very small solo in it, and am glad to have that done.  Robert showed up for church this morning "to hear mom sing", which was nice, but so many emotions were running through me when I saw him that I had a hard time keeping it together for the performance.  He is still acting as if he did nothing wrong.  Told us he had a job.  I told him I loved and missed him, and hoped he was able to get his life in order.  Neither Tim nor I gave him any reason to think that he could come home just because he has a job.  We have both re-read the parable of the prodigal son in the bible.  We feel that we will only be able to bring Robert back into the fold after he returns as the prodigal son did, contright, trully sorry and wanting nothing more then to merely "work as a slave".  Obviously we don't want him back as a slave LOL, but the attitude of knowing we don't "owe" him anything.  I have to go back to church in a few minutes.  I am starting today to sing with the Worship team on Sunday nights.  I am nervous, but also glad that God is allowing me the opportunity to serve.

I am so proud of myself, for once not sticking a project away when I got bored with it. I realized that I could work through it :) I have been working on page 1 of the "Old Barn in a Storm" by Artecy pattern.  Here is page 1 completed.  I love how when you work on these projects it doesn't look like much as your doing it, but as I hold it back (or in this case look at the picture) it really comes out.  It is very exciting to see how it will turn out.  I had such a fascination with several of these old barns that Terrena had done for Artecy, that I have decided to as many as I can, just for myself.  I believe I am going to take the year off from making gifts for others, and concentrate on some of the ones I wanted to do just for me.  By the way, if you see the strings all at the bottom and are wondering why, I will explain.  For this project I did a park and stitch.  I stitch in squares of 10.  When I am done with that color in that square, I "park it" or bring it up through its corresponding symbol in the square of 10 below.  I finish the whole page in columns of 10.  Now I will pick back up on the first row of page 5 (the page that goes below this) where the threads are.  I will do the same thing finishing the color in the block of 10 and then parking, all the way down the page.  When all the pages are done in this first column, then I will go on to page 2 (which will go to the right) and do the same again.  Hope this explanation made sense.

Winter is finally hear, along with the cold and snow.  We did not get the monster of the storm that just west of us did, as far as the snow, but what we are getting is more then enough for me!  Today the temp. is steadly falling.  Right now it is 19 degrees out, for those on the other side of the world that equates to about 7!  The temperature is to continue dropping through the night, with a high tomorrow of 4!  What is making it worse is that our wind is blowing about 29mph with gust of up to 50mph.  That drops the temp fast!  Most church services have been cancelled for the night (not ours yet, but fully expect it to happen at any moment).  I am having a very difficult time not knowing where Robert is at this moment.  The thought of him outside on a day like this is almost to much to bare, so I have tried to keep my mind busy on other things.

My stitching has gone okay so far.  I am just about to complete page one of Artecy's "Old Barn in a Storm", at which point I will post a picture.  I think with this particular pattern, I will post a picture per page finished.  My plans are to do one page, then work on another project.  I would like to do a page a week, probably won't happen, so maybe a page every two weeks.

I had started another blog for my weight loss journey, but have decided it is just to much to keep up with two blogs, so I have combined the two to this one.  At the top of my blog now is a ticker that shows how much weight I have lost, along with my weigh-ins in the column to the right.  I have given up on PRISM as it was way to restrictive, and thus to easy for me to give up.  I will be joining the online version of Weight Watchers tomorrow (payday), and then attending meetings locally on Monday evenings with a friend.  I am really looking forward to getting some excess weight off with the coming of the new year.  I think my birthday (and turning 40) has something to do with the urgency I feel about losing weight and getting healthy.

Well I best end this and go get my kiddos.  Certainly do not want them walking home in this weather, they will look like frozen popsicles by the time they get home.

After 5 years, blood, sweat and tears, 2 restarts, and many many many hour, I can say IT IS DONE!

Here is a picture of my Civil War Soldiers I did for my husband.

Wow, isn't it weird to be already into December? What a crazy fast time the year has been. I have been working really hard on getting my husbands Christmas present done. I had planned on having it finished last weekend but with all the excitement it just didn't get done. I am well within about 500 or less stitches, so it is really close. I hope to have it done by Sunday. We will see if this goal is met :)

Tomorrow I start my new way of eating. I have chosen a diet plan called PRISM (which my husband and kids fondly call Prison). I have another lady at church who will be joining me, which I think will make it easier. It is a rather intense way to go, but it needs to be done so that I can feel healthier. Also the last time I did this particular diet, my symptoms went into complete remission (which is of course what I am hoping for). I have made my husband promise not to sabotage me, and to push me forward every step of the way. I am also hoping that by not buying all the garbage, he too will lose weight.

I have already started walking. A mile yesterday, a half mile today. I put my treadmill up in the spare bedroom, with a tv facing it. I hope to get to a point where I spend an hour each afternoon walking on it. And then do my Biggest Winner class at the church twice a week.

I have had a day or two to digest everything that has happened in our house, and while I am not happy about the choices the Robert has made (and the consequences of making him move out) I can not any longer hold myself hostage over it. I was up all night wondering where he was, who he was with, if he was sleeping out in the cold. What good am I going to be to any one of my children if I get sick from not sleeping. And am I really showing faith and trust in God if I am constantly worrying...ummm no. Ultimately Robert is in God's hands and I have to let God move and bend Robert as he will. Unfortunately sometimes we learn the hard way instead of the easy way.

So, I am giving up my worry (or at least trying to) to God. I am going to work on the things I can fix. I need to give more quality time to both Josh and Allyssa. I need to do a better job of being a good wife to my husband~and this means doing those things I was put here to do (like cleaning, cooking, laundry etc). I need to do a better job of getting into the word. And I need to make sure that I spend time for myself. Not feeling guilty if I want to stitch, because I have the other things in my home done. I absolutely need to go back to flylady (www.flylady.net) and get my routines in order so that I have that time for me, scheduled time for devotions, scheduled time to spend with the kids building relationships, etc. I also am really going to work on strengthening my relationship with my husband by being more appreciative of what he does, by telling him that, by making his lunches, or any other thing I can do to make him feel loved. The last thing I am going to work on is my health. I am going to get my treadmill set back up and walk every day (even if it is just for 15 minutes) and I am going to start eating the way I know I need to eat for my body to be at its best. I am also going to make the appointments I have put off, take the tests that I haven't wanted to take, and get refills of the medication that I stopped taking when I started neglecting myself for everyone else.

As for Robert, I am going to pray for him and love him. Knowing what I know now, there is no way I can have him back in my house. I hope he does well, I hope he gets the lessons learned that God wants to teach him (that I couldn't) and I hope he stays safe in the process. Most of all I will pray that someday he will forgive me and know that we did what we thought was best in all the decisions we made.

Well, things are not always as they seem, and I really don't have it all together. This has been an extremely difficult few months. The first major thing that happened is that my husband and I refused to leave our church home. Because of this I have lost my best friend who feels I am settling for a "dead church". I believe that both myself and my husband received direct confirmation from God that we are where we are supposed to be. I also believe that not only is our church not dead, it is growing leaps and bounds. Never the less, I have lost my friend, my confidant, my sister. It has deeply hurt me, and I am not sure I will ever be able to trust someone to be that close to me again. So since I don't have her to talk to, I guess I will just use my blog as my way to express where I am at.

My MS has come back in full force. The pain is unbearable at times...yet I don't want to complain, in fact I don't want anyone to know because I don't want to be treated any differently. So I paste on a happy smile, and pretend that everything is fine. But its not. Each day I find a little more of my strength is zapped.

Robert has pushed me so far over the edge that honestly I don't even like him any more. He has had many opportunities for getting a job, but has for whatever reason not followed through on them. To this point he has only worked for 2 weeks since moving in with us at the beginning of Sept. He says he can not get a job, but when told to come back and talk to a manager, or to be somewhere at 8 am, there are always excuses why he can't or doesn't. This morning he was to be at a job interview at 7:45. He did not even get out of bed until 10:30. To that end I drew up a contract that basically says he either has a full time job by Dec. 31st or he is kicked out. Friday he had an "audition" with a band and was excepted as their lead singer. He thinks he will make enough singing a few times a month to be able to pay his bills. He has no problems getting up to go out with friends, spending the weekend with friends, using friends for stuff.....but when it comes to being home and doing what he is supposed to it has become a battle. His attitude of entitlement has just completely worn on me. To add to all of this, we have begun to question because he has been spending the night at another kids house who is openly gay. I don't want my mind to go there, but it does, and it scares me.

Zech has had a difficult few weeks in his placement. While for the most part I think it is good, he is having a problem controlling his anger. He has actually hit a brick wall (instead of his roommate) twice in less then a month. This last time being on Saturday, caused him to have whats called a Boxer's Compound Fracture. Basically his knuckles are broken. He is in a cast and will have to go see a hand specialist.

To top all this off, the stress within our house has caused the younger two to really act up. They have been fighting tooth and nail over nothing in particular. I just can't seem to deal with them on the level I know I should. They are both "good" kids, doing what it takes in school, they don't lie, they don't really get in trouble, they do their chores etc.....but the bickering is just too much. So I end up yelling at the two that so don't deserve it...which just makes me feel like a horrible mom.

The icing on the cake...I am turning 40 in just over a month and I am having a major midlife crisis. I am scared of what this disease is doing to my body, I feel very alone as I no longer have the friend who I thought would be here forever, I feel very ugly and unloved (not that my husband isn't trying), and I feel like a terrible mother. Basically I feel like I have done nothing right. I also feel like a liar, because some think I have it so together, and obviously I am so not even close to that.

Wow, where does time fly, honestly? Thanksgiving is almost here, and I feel like I just got done setting my New Years goals for the year! Talking about goals, here is what I wrote at the beginning of the year...

• eat healthier (trying to keep to around 1700 calories a day)
• Be nicer to people
• Read my bible more often (I am going to strive for once a day, but I am going to remember that perfection isn't achievable)
• Spend more time with my friends
• Be more consistent with my church time
• Spend time every day stitching
• Update my photos weekly
• Most importantly get back to FLYING.

Okay so, the healthier eating went out the window probably before I ever hit the send button on that particular post LOL. I do feel as if I have achieved a few things. I have been nicer to people, I am spending more time with my friends and with my Bible (although NOT perfect). I have been much more consistent with my church time, and have even added a few extra services to the mix (Oh and I joined Choir for Christmas too). As for the last three, well not so much! I went through a spell where I just didn't want to stitch~that thankfully has gone away and I am back with a vengeance. My photos haven't been updated in I don't know how long (will try to do that by the end of the week). As for Flying, I have definitely falling off the wagon, but I am back on it again. Why I walk away from something that so obviously works for me, amazes me.

I will have to really consider the goals I am going to set for myself this year. Again I want to make them realistic goals!

Will post again soon with what I am thankful for. Since it is almost Thanksgiving, I think it is high time I stop looking at negatives, and look at all the things I have to be Thankful for. It will help me be in the right frame of mind going into the holidays. I so want to remember, during this time of year especially, that my goals in life ought to be those of the eternal nature NOT the earthly one~for the earthly things will surely not fulfill me.

HI! I know I have so neglected my postings lately. I have finally "recovered" (at least mostly) from having the dreaded flu. I still have a cough, but at least I can get out of bed. House is cleaned and disinfected, kids are all back in school, and I have a new lease on life. I will be turning the dreaded 40 this Jan. so I decided it was a good time to lose some weight, try a different hair style, new makeup, etc. On Friday I will be starting a new blog that talks about my weight loss journey with PRISM. My husband will also be going on a diet, but his is much more extreme and is a last ditch effort before he ends up having surgery.

As for stitching, I have completed a second project of "His Name". I have started on a third rendition of the same project. I have two columns of the "Old Barn" project done, although it is not holding my attention very well. I kitted up a new HEAD pattern that I want to do, but I think I will add it to my list of projects to start after the first of the year. I still have my husbands "Civil War Soldiers" wanting my attention, and to possibly be finished for Christmas. And I have another project that is all but done, save for the back stitching (which I hate to do). I also have the "Sistine Chapel" project that is crying out to be worked on. So many projects, so little time :)

My writing has taken a hiatus for a few weeks while I recovered from the flu. Now that it is so close to Christmas, I believe it will continue to be on a hiatus until after the holidays so that I can concentrate on stitching projects. Soccer season has once again begun, so I will have to really use my time wisely to get things done!

Well after finishing the Artecy pattern of the Mom and Baby, I thought I could step back into some of my WIPS, but found that I really didn't want to work on them. So what a better reason than that to start a new project, right? Okay so I have decided to do one for myself. It is the Artecy "Old Barn in a Storm" The picture is to the right. I am going to keep a running photo diary on this particular project. I thought it would be interesting to see the project grow. I have decided at the end of each column I will take a picture, until the project is done. Here are some stats about this particular project:

Old Barn in Storm has 38,410 stitches. The pattern takes up a total of 8 pages. It uses 52 DMC colors. I have decided to do my project on 28 count linen, over one thread, with one thread of floss.

I started the project yesterday, Oct. 1st. I am excited to watch it come to fruition. I will not be working on only it, but my goal is to try to get several columns a week done. I have tried to be relatively smart about my deadline, and have given myself until Oct. 1st of 2010 to finish it. I hope it is done much sooner, but I know how I can sometimes move to other projects, and set things aside.

Okay not sure that we have ever been 'normal' but, I am feeling much more centered and calm. I spent the day getting my house clean, laundry done, etc. Then I worked on Gettysburg for quite awhile. I also spent some time updating my pictures. Some of them had not been updated since January! I am looking forward to spending more time doing the things I love, and not being so stressed all the time!!!!

Well, things happened very quick around here. We got the call that our placement and financing came through on Thursday. On Friday morning at 6:30 am, I boarded the train with Zech, and off to Chicago we went. 4 hours and two trains later we ended up at his new house (for the time being). The ride there was good, however, when we got to his placement Zech started back peddling. He began talking back to everyone. Before I left he was crying uncontrollably begging me to not leave him. He said he would do anything I asked if I just took him home. I rode the train back home, and arrived about 10:30 last night. Cried myself to sleep, and have spent most of the day crying off and on. The rest of the day I have cleaned ferociously. Now tonight, I have actually done some stitching, dyed my greys away, and taken a bubble bath. I know that we made the right decision, but......as a mom it hurts. I guess I thought after four placements, I would be over that. But I don't think I will ever be "over it". I know he will be okay, once the get him settled and stable. I have to remind myself constantly that sometimes the best decisions are also the hardest!

I have an update! We have found a placement for Zech. After over 7 months of the unknown, confusion, hurt, and trial it looks like things will be settling rather quickly. the placement has an opening immediately. In fact, the bed is waiting for him! All we are waiting for now is the final paperwork to be done, and a verbal okay to be given. It is very likely that he will be in his new home by the end of next week. The facility is not the one we originally were thinking of, and is a bit further away. However, after doing some review, Tim and I feel it is the best placement for him. They are an extremely recomended facility for dealing with children with multiple disorders. They also have fantastic workings with children who have Autism spectrum disorders. On top of the psychiatric and disabilities workings, the facility is set on 100 acres, with a huge lake on it. They are very big into doing not only traditional therapy, but also some of the other therapies we have had luck with. All in all, I think all is good. Our only hope right now is that this last week moves quickly.

I do not have an update concerning Robert. In fact I have not heard from him since the last time I talked and he said he would be home before last weekend. We have a friend who is "connected" who is going to try to find out some information for us, if we still hear nothing by Sunday.

Today I got relief and reality in one fare swoop. We had a meeting with our local school this morning concerning Zech and his needs. It wasn't long into the meeting before everyone at the table was in agreement that his needs are rather severe. There were many discussions about was/wasn't accomplished this summer with the school, the teachers and there therapist. It seems in many ways, he has stopped at about the level of a 5 year old. The relief came with the suggestion that the school could not provide the services that Zech required, and they agreed to place him back into residential! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Lord!!!!

The Reality struck as we were leaving the meeting. We have all realized that this is as good as it gets for him. He will never be able to live on his own, get married, have children, etc. The reality is that in many ways he will always be a 5 year old kid. Even though I KNOW I have done everything as his mother to help him, I still feel on some level that I have failed. I feel guilty for the relief that I feel knowing that soon he will be living elsewhere (ANYWHERE but here). I feel guilty for my other two at home who have had to endure 6 months of utter chaos, and have lost the little bit of summer that they would normally have. There are feelings of anger, resentment, fear, hurt, grief and so on....that I am sure it will take awhile to figure them all out. But in the mean time, what I really feel is RELIEF!

So, as soon as the school can get a placement lined up, and the paperwork is done, he will be moving. We are hoping (as is the school) that all this will be taking place in the next 30 days!

I have found myself wondering lately what my purpose is here at this time. This all came about after reading a dear friends blog, who also was questioning along the same lines. I think for anyone who has, what they see as limitations, the questioning comes more frequent. So I posed the question to my husband. Exactly what is my purpose right now? He stopped and thought (which is unusual for him). Then he looked at me and said, exactly what you are doing. Being here for the kids, providing safety and comfort in a world that is anything but safe and comforting. But I wanted more, so I began to pray!

Stitching has always been an outlet for me. When I make a particular project, I pray for the person that I am making it for as I work on it. Sometimes I am led to a small project, one that can be done quickly and one that I can work on intensely for a short period of time. I have just such project going right now for a friend of mine. A small token of my appreciation of our friendship. I started it when I knew there was a very real need in her life (a job). And now even before I have completed it, God seems to have answered the prayers! Other projects are long drawn out ones. The "freedom" project I was doing for Robert, has been side lined since he will be coming home for awhile before going back to the Army. That is okay, because I know when he goes again I will be able to pull it back out and continue my prayers for him in the direction.

And yet, I still want more...so I continue to pray!

I have always had a desire to write. I won my first contest when I was like 8 years old. A poem I had written was picked from all the poems that Easter. I won a certificate, and was asked to read my poem on a radio program from an auditorium at the local college. My grandfather and grandmother both were writers. My grandfather published many books of poetry before he died. Both my love of writing and reading have mixed many times over the last few years. I have begun many ventures, but have never been able to finish. Now I am hearing God's voice tell me it's time. But what am I to write, I ask. My husband has great insights and tells me to write about how I kept my faith in God given the circumstances of my life.

And yet, I want more...so I continue to pray!

Last Wednesday night in the church service, our Pastor was talking about our life and how what we spill out is a direct correlation to what is inside. His example was, if you bump a glass of water, water is going to spill over the side of the glass. The question was then when we receive the bumps of life (and boy have I had a lot lately), what do we spill out. Well I didn't like what I saw! And so I began to pray about how I reacted to the things that push into me, and pray about what spills out of my life. In the midst of pain and grief, I have missed opportunities that I could have poured out God. Instead I poured out me.

And finally I have seen. All this is my purpose! I am here to provide comfort and security for my children and my husband. Even if I can not clean, or do dishes, or cook that day, I still have a purpose in being here for them. I have a purpose of being here to listen to them, to encourage them, to give them wise counsel, and to hold them when they are hurt. I am here to pray for those in my life. I have all this extra time that most people don't have, and during it I can spend time in concentrated prayer for the needs of those I care about (and those I don't know yet). God has given me words, and the ability to write, so that I may encourage and uplift others! I need to not worry about "what" I am to write but allow God to move through my fingers, and just WRITE! And last, I have this amazing opportunity to grow myself! How many others can say that they have long periods of time each day in which they can spend reading God's word, praying, learning, and changing! Oh, and I have the added bonus/benefit of getting to do some of the very things that I love to do (Stitching, Writing, Creating).

Seems like the only time I get a chance to write is in very limited times in which life allows me a spare second to update! How annoying LOL. So, my friends, here is an update of what is going on in our house.

We will be meeting with the school district this coming Thursday at 10am. Our hopes is to be able to bring enough evidence to the table as to convince the school that they can not provide the services that Zech needs. And because of the inability of the school to provide an appropriate education that they will need to place him residentially. We are hopeful that not only will this be able to be done, but that the school will move quickly to accomplish this goal! I will update as time becomes available.

Robert is returning home. Right now it looks as if he will be home for a 6 month period before he can re-enlist in the Army. The story is long and complicated. But the gist of it is that Robert was "caught" with cigarettes which is illegal at Basic Training. Because of his previous restart with his ankle, he must now come home for 6 months. We are hoping that he will stay with us, get some money saved up (and some debts paid off), work a job and get himself together so that when he goes back in 6 months that he will be prepared for it!

The kids start school this coming Wednesday. I am really sad as I feel that summer vacation was waisted in so many ways. There was so much chaos and disruption that I feel I missed out on an essential part of the younger kids lives. I hope to make up for that when their Christmas break comes around.

I fell last week, again emphasizing that my body is not going to "forget" that it is still afflicted with MS. I seriously need to begin to change the way I look at things and find new ways to cope with the changes that are happening to my body. My pride needs to take a back seat to my needs.

My plans for the school year are simple. I need to spend more time working on things that I believe I have been given charge to do. My writing is at the top of my list! In fact, I plan on taking at least one day a week and leaving the house for the soul purpose of writing.

Only other new things is Josh will be turning 15 on Tuesday and Allyssa turns 12 on Saturday! Life continues, and we continue. Who would want off this merry-go-round anyway?? LOL :)

Sooooo ever have something that so shakes your world as a parent, that it crumbles the very ground you walk on? Well my life has been full of stress filled days lately. I have been having great difficulty with Zech, as everyone knows. I lost my ability to "walk" without a walker in the last few days. But in all of this, I still had the knowledge that one of my children was doing well. Off and following his dream. Tonight all that came crashing down. I received a very cryptic call. Mainly what was said was...Mom I am coming home. I was kicked out for misconduct. That's all I can say right now, will call you later...... And that was it. I am left reeling. First because he isn't going to be successful in this area, second because I can't honestly have him return home with all the turmoil that I already live in, and three because somehow I feel I failed.

I have always relied on my belief in God and my faith in something better that held me together. I always believed that God would not give me more then I could bare. I believed that even in the midst of the storm, there was a lifeboat! I am lost! There is no life boat, no silver linings, no outpouring of grace from above...only silence!

I am so angry, and hurt, and I don't know what else. I told my husband I quit. But the more I think about it, the more it occurs to me that maybe that is exactly what I am supposed to do...QUIT. Quit trying to control life, QUIT trying to make myself accountable for everyone Else's mistakes...QUIT blaming myself for what my body is unable to do. Maybe I am just supposed to QUIT.

One of my favorite verses in the bible says "Be still and Know that I am God".. This is NOT my normal life...I like to be right in the middle of everything, controlling, managing, directing, etc. maybe it is time to QUIT and be still...???