Random Ramblings

Did I ever sound sorry for myself! I wish I could take back my last post, but in all honesty, that's how I felt. While the situation has not changed today, I do feel more like myself. I don't know that there is a silver lining in all of this, but I am bound to try to find one, somewhere! Zech has given up! He refuses to try at all, and I have come to the realization that this may be "as good as it gets" with him. It is hard to look at your almost 18 year old son and realize that he will never be able to achieve the things in life that your kids are supposed to achieve (driving, going to college, having a job, kids...). We are actively looking for a placement for him when he turns 18. There are several houses in the area that take on mentally ill or mentally handicapped. Unfortunately, they don't fit his needs. His I.Q. is 70 putting him just on the verge of being mentally handicapped. His processing speed is that of a 3-4 year old, which affects the outcome of his IQ. Unfortunately for him, he has a very high verbal IQ up towards his normal age. All this makes it very difficult to find a place that can work with his needs, while not dumbing everything down completely! Couple this with his mental illness diagnosis's and we have even less places. A lot of the placements that we could look at for his developmental needs will not take him because of his mental needs. All we know is that we MUST find him a placement! We thought at one time that we could care for him ourselves. But we were wrong. I am still very angry with the state for kicking him out of his residential placement. He had made more progress, and now we have gone backward by several years. However, I need to move on from anger to action.

I went out and bought myself a treadmil at a garage sale. I have decided that I have to do something for me, at least once a day, so I am trying to walk for 20 minutes (no easy feat with my own health issues). I am going to attempt to lose some weight (although I am not going to make myself crazy with set ideas about this). I am going to spend some time every day working on my cross-stitch, praying and reading my bible. I may not find any silver linings in the clouds hanging over my head right now, but I know enough to realize that God will see me through. I am going to keep plugging through. At some point I will be able to give the life back to my two younger children. I know I am doing the best that I can, and that HAS to be good enough!

Thanks to all of my friends who responded yesterday and encouraged me. I couldn't ask for a better group of friends. Please know that my comments in my post were not directed toward those who read and responded to me. Rather it was directed at people who are presently involved in the situation we find ourselves in...in the person so to speak.

Okay I have been MIA...Would love to say I fell off the face of the earth, but I could not get quite that lucky. Life in our house has been extremely chaotic and very troublesome lately. My son has decided not to try anymore and has made living with him a rather big chore. He is still doing what he must to stay in our house (go to school, take meds, and go to counseling appts), but he has told counselor that he does not need therapy...and so they sit for an hour once a week staring at each other. WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME!!! My daughter and other son have "run away from home" so to speak. My daughter has been at her best friends house this whole week, and has called begging me not to make her come home! What a very sad existence we have to lead right now.

I am trying to be mindful that, this too shall pass, but seeing no end in sight it becomes rather bleak at times. Honestly, I am in such a state right now, that I don't want to get online and chat, or play games, or pretty much anything. I have worked off and on with my cross-stitching, and have read a lot as an escape. I just feel so overwhelmed and alone in this struggle. I am most of all tired, but I am also angry that so much has had to change because some bureaucrat somewhere saw fit that he would be ultimately better off at home. On the plus side, even now the school is beginning to really have problems with him and his attitude. I no longer feel as though I am swimming in a sea alone. I spent almost an hour talking to Zech's social worker at school this morning, who all but admitted that when we first began working with her she did not see a problem, but has now...and is beginning to understand what we must be going through. Ahh vindication at last! Its not that I really want vindication, cause after all that means he is acting up for someone else, but at the same time, I want people to understand, TO REALLY UNDERSTAND, what we go through on an every day basis. Just getting him up and out of bed is a 45 minute process every morning, and that is before we begin the day doing things like brushing teeth and washing face. I have to constantly clean up after him, much like I did when my kids were two, only now the messes are much bigger, cause he is much bigger!

And then there is the guilt and anger. The guilt at being angry with him for changing our lives so dramatically, the anger at my ex for nearly killing me and causing the brain trauma to my son, the anger at the bureaucracy, the guilt for wanting him to just go somewhere else...when he is my flesh and blood, the anger over what it is doing to my other children and my husband and I's relationship. The complete and utter frustration over what this is doing to my health! Oh and the anger over the friends who have the pat answers, but no real solutions for me. I know they care, I know they want to say something to make it better, but there isn't anything!!!! The thing is I really don't blame my friends. I know they try to understand, and lend a sympathetic ear, and I know that they are stuck as much as I am in this.

Anyways, I guess I will stop my ranting for today. Just please understand that I just don't want to post about my life right now. I can think of no positives among these clouds, and that is just not who I am. I don't like who I am becoming, and I refuse to make my posts to be a constant barrage of negative! I will write again when I have found the silver lining, or at least I am able to see some sunlight gleam through the thick canopy of trees! Thanks all for understanding!

Again I thought I would update on my life.

Stitching~well I was going right along on the "Freedom" pattern that I was doing, and then got sidetracked by a bad wrist. Seems I did something to a tendon or something like that, so the stitching got set aside for a tiny bit. I hope to try to do some tonight, but will have to limit the amount of time I spend on it.

Zech~is still living at home. We have run all our appeals, and today we received word back on our newest grant application. It has been denied. This means that from this moment on, we are on our own. We have very little options for help. Yesterday the police were nearly called to our house. We have come to believe that things will probably not end well in this particular situation, and we will either have to ask Zech to leave our home (because of non-compliance issues) or the police will have to remove him after an episode. He has become increasingly more comfortable and as such has chosen to push further. Once he finds out that we no longer have an option of placing him, I believe he will become terribly difficult to deal with due to his belief that there is nothing we can do. Unfortuantely he is wrong, and while I would hate to kick him out on the streeets and have him fend for himself, I have realized that I just may not have any other choice in the matter.

Robert~We got a letter, actually I should say Tim got a letter, for father's day. Robert says he is doing well, keeping his spirits up, and staying out of trouble. He asked how we liked the 90+ degree days here in Illinois, then informed us that it was "hotter then hell" in Georgia, where they haven't been below 100 in about a week now. I feel for him, I really do. But I guess the training in all weather types will be invaluable. I look forward to hearing from him again soon, perhaps even this Sunday.

Today I had a doctors appointment. To say that I am a bit upset, would be putting it lightly. But the basic jist of the appointment was that the medicine that they could give me to help with certain things, my body will not tolerate. So my options? Deal with the pain, lose some weight, get in the pool....and my all time favorite. DESTRESS!!!!! Yeah Right!!!! I don't know what world the doctor lives in, but it is certainly not mine!

I have started PRISM today (basically lean meats, fruits and veges and little else). I know from doing this before that it helped immensly with my pain but it is very difficult to do when I am not stressed. Since I am a stress eater, it will be even harder to follow. But I have to control something, and this is something I can control.

Anyways, there is my update. Will try to get back more often. Only thing I seem to be doing a lot of, besides PRAYING, is reading. It is so nice to escape into a good book. Too bad I have to come out of it.

Is that really all it has been since Robert has left home? Haven't heard from him since his "cryptic" call last week telling me he had injured his ankle and might have to come home, or start back at the beginning. I am assuming no news, is good news....however, as a mother, a little news would be a bit comforting. I know that I have a lot to get used to with him being an adult and out on his own. I also know that when he serves his time overseas, I will hear from him very sparingly. But knowing, and getting that through to the "mama's apron strings" are two different things!!

Zech is still struggling with being home, and all the changes that had to take place. We lost our appeal for the grant that paid for his placement, and so at the end of this month we will lose all our respite services as well. Essentially it will be all in our laps at that point, and we will have no extra help with his needs. The thought terrifies me!! I have found that each day my energy level is lower than the day before, and it seems as if I can barely get the "little" things done. Tim has really tried to pick up the slack and help around the house....and that is so appreciated. I think right now, our hope is to make it through the summer. At least when school starts, even though it is chaotic in its own way, it is a scheduled chaotic.

Stitching is actually something I have been able to do quite a bit lately. Since my new situation requires being centrally located in the house, I have been sitting in the living room and stitching, reading and playing Farm Town on Face Book. I needed to do something that would help me deal with the time I am away from Robert, so I begun working on a new project called Freedom (Stoney Creek pattern). I am done with one of the four pages. I finished all of the back stitch on page one before moving on to the next page, simply because there is a lot of back stitch on dark colors, and figured it would be easier to do it that way.

Josh and Allyssa are spending quite a bit of time away from home so far this summer. Seems that either or both are gone nearly every night. It is their way of coping with the new situations.

Tim is still working. Right now, he is actually working a lot~48 hours or more. That helps with the extra financial worries that came along with moving Zech home. The job is still tenuous at best, as they have to prove that they can and are making a profit within a specific amount of time. Time will only tell on that end, but at least for now he is working, and I am very grateful for that fact.

Well thats about all of my update. Will try to update again in the near future.

It has been crazy here with Zech having moved home again. Seems like I have precious little time for much of anything, except maybe a lot of PRAYING. I have had two phone calls from Robert. The first one was last Tuesday evening to tell me that he was still stuck in reception (apparently very common for new enlisted) and that he would be shipping to basic training in the morning. The next phone call was tonight. I did not catch the phone in time, so he left me a message. Apparently he has injured his ankle. Not sure how badly. He said they would be making a decision in the next few days as to whether he can go back and start his basic over, or he has to come home for 30 days to heal. I am praying that he gets a rapid and full recovery. I think it would hurt him immensely having to come home and start this all over again.

As for stitching, when I get a chance, I have been working on a Freedom piece. I needed to do something that represented Robert as I prayed for him...and that is what I chose. I will try to put a picture online sometime this week. Zech starts summer school on Wed. and I am hopeful that will free up a bit of my time. Thanks to all my friends who I know are praying!!!!!

Today was a bitter sweet day in so many ways. First it was Memorial Day, and we are so thankful for the men and women who have served our country! Second it was Robert's going away party. We will be taking him to leave for Basic Training in the morning. I never knew how badly it would hurt to say goodbye, or how my heart would tear apart for him as I watched him struggle to say goodbye to those he loves tonight! This by far is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and yet I know it is part of the life cycle that must go on. I think back over the years, all the times I joked about when the kids left home. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could have a few more weeks/months with him. And yet, I also know that he is not gone forever. I will see him in August. I am sending him away as a teen, but I know I will be getting him back as a full fledged man. It amazes me how quickly time flies. What a realization that time is so short, and we need to cherish each and every moment of it. I wish I had learned that lesson earlier in life, rather then being so intent on moving my kids on.

I thought I would just post a quick update. Today starts our home tournament in Morton. Our weekend is full of five soccer games, Josh is reffing five additional games, plus I have to work at some point since I was on the tournament committee. Its pure craziness! Last night was Robert's Open House for his graduation. He had several friends show up, which was really nice. I was glad that he got to spend some time with the people who have been part of his life the last few years. Monday afternoon (Memorial Day) we will be getting together with family and close friends for a cook out. It is a sending away party for Robert, but also a good reason to get together with those we care about. Robert will then board a bus at 4pm on Tuesday afternoon and head up to MEPS in Chicago. He will board a plane on Wed. for Georgia. The recruiters told us we would not see him again until Christmas (Unless I am able to figure a way to get down to his basic graduation). I really was holding up fairly well, that is until last night. I woke up several times with nightmares, crying, and praying for him. It was the first time it really struck about all the "What ifs"... I try not to think about those things. Being a parent and letting go of your children is not an easy task. Mine is compounded I believe by the quickness of his departure after graduation. Oh well, I will get through this too. God will take care of all, and that is what I have to keep telling myself!

Woke up this morning, unable to attend Josh's soccer game, so I sent Tim and here I sit in bed contemplating today. The first thought in my head is all the stuff that still needs to be done this week. Then I realized that today...TODAY... my baby is graduating from High School. A feat we thought nearly impossible just a few short months ago. A year ago he nearly died, and we never thought we would see this day. Now yes, as you expect, I am sitting here tears rolling down my checks, for my baby is graduating from High School. Then I begin to think....WOW where in the world did the time go??? Life is so short, time spent with your children even shorter! I could spend all day telling myself about all the things I did wrong as a mother. Instead, I am choosing to look at my son today, and realize all the things I did RIGHT! After all, he is graduating. He has a career that he will be starting in 9 days, and he is healthy and happy. What more could a mother want for her son?

So, off I go to watch my "baby" graduate! And YES I packed plenty of kleenex!

Today we had a meeting with our school district concerning Zech and his placement. We went into the meeting asking that the school place him in a residential facility because we believed that the school could not offer him the services he required to succeed. The school district decided that they would not place him into a residential placement, and in turn told us that they could provide him with the services "required by law". This means that barring a reversal on the denial of our ICG grant, the worst scenario has now happened. Zech will be home with us long term. Honestly I can not begin to tell you how I am grieving. I am absolutely beside myself right now. I CAN NOT maintain him in my home. Even Zech has told me he can't maintain at home. I just am at a total loss as to which way to turn to next. My hopes were high this morning that I had enough evidence to prove the need for the school to pay for a residential placement. Apparently the man on the moon wouldn't have enough evidence! So here I am now, living out the nightmare. Our services that we did qualify for will end on June 1st. Meaning that whatever the school gives him will be the only services he receives!

Officially Robert Has Graduated!!!! THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE!

I can't believe that my baby will be walking across that stage and receiving his diploma in just a few days. So many times we questioned this day would ever happen. Most especially last year when he took an overdose and nearly died. I am thankful that God held on to him, and used that experience to shape his life! I am SO proud of my son, the man he has become, and the decisions he has made in his life. My heart aches at the knowledge that he is no longer my "little boy" and that he now will enter into adulthood and all that comes with it. I pray as he goes that he stays safe, that God has a 'perfect' match for his future, and that he finds satisfaction in the job he has chosen, to be a United States military man.

This is a picture of the project I am working on...His Name Is Jesus. It is a free chart and can be found HERE!

I began to wonder if I will ever be able to post an update to my cross-stitch on my blog again. Things have been so chaotic and crazy here, that even if I did have time to pick up a needle and my stitching, I couldn't concentrate on it anyway. I am looking forward to Wednesday though. I will be taking Zech back to the hospital for some testing (between 6 and 8 hours worth). There are nice comfy chairs in the waiting area, so I am thinking I shall just camp out with a diet coke, my stitching and a good book. The lady at the hospital was concerned about me sitting there, and I said...Oh no, I look forward to having some quiet time all to myself...No worries LOL. I am hopeful to finish by "Names for Jesus" then. I am about 3/4 of the way done. I will take it and another project and see how far I can get!

As for the other things, well life is still very difficult. Even Tim is starting to really have trouble with Zech. We are on our fifth full day with him home. This is the longest he has been home in almost three years. He is struggling, we are struggling, the other two kids are really struggling. It is such a challenge on the household, and since everything has to be so structured, it is really tiring to make sure he is getting what he needs. I haven't had a full night sleep since he has been home. Even with Tim home at night, every time Zech is up, I am awake. Last night that meant between midnight and 6 am being woke up five different times. While mostly I can go back to sleep fairly quickly~ once I know he went back to sleep, it means that I am sleeping really lightly.

My health is suffering now. I noticed today that I am having to really push myself just to walk, even with my cane. My legs are exhausted, and my body feels like I have run several marathons. Unfortunately I can't slow down for at least another week. I just pray God keeps me healthy until the first week of June.

Well off to Tim's baseball game. We weren't going to go, because it is a 9pm game, but I don't want to be left home alone with Zech, so we are all going, even if it means Allyssa is out late on a school night.

For the first time in 7 years, I had all four of my children home for Mother's Day. It has been an extremely emotional day, as I realize that it may be many years again before they are all home once more. Robert and I had a good talk this afternoon. I told him how proud I am of him, and what a mature wonderful man he has become. The thought of him leaving in just over two weeks is overwhelming at times, and I find myself crying at the drop of a hat. For that I am glad that the next few weeks are filled with multiple tasks, and very busy! I always joked that I couldn't wait until they left home, but I am finding it much harder then I expected it to be.

Hope all my friends had a happy mother's day today, and have a year full of many blessings~

Okay, if you just read the title it kind of sounds fun. But it is anything but fun. Life has really been to hectic for me to update, other then very briefly, all that has been going on. So here goes!

The end of March I received a letter from the Illinois Care Grant Program Collaborative stating that my son, who is mentally ill, no longer qualifies for the grant they had been providing for his care in a residential placement facility. We submitted an appeal to this denial which is in review right now. In addition I am applying for a new grant, which of course means lots of paperwork and lots of time.

On April 20th, I received a phone call from my sons school social worker stating that he had sought her ought and told her he had been hallucinating and was very depressed, and that he had told us that past weekend the same thing. I happened to have been in the car while talking with her on the phone, traveling with my attorney to Springfield to a news conference. That conversation in turn, began the wheels turning which eventually landed my son hospitalized at a lock down facility. In the process of all of this, it came to light that my son had mentioned to multiple staff members his depression and the auditory and visual hallucinations and was told such things as, "Your lying," "Your being manipulative", "Go take a shower it will all be better", "Your faking" and etc.

In the interim, while my son was placed in the hospital, I continued to work on finding a placement that was more suitable for him. I went to the house that he had been placed and picked up his clothes and other items. Upon getting them home, there was not one piece of clothing or bedding that was soaked with urine. They had not returned all of his personal items, and dirty dishes were thrown in the boxes with other stuff. Some of his bedding was actually still wet, and this was several days after his initial hospitalization. At this time none of his money, his food cards or his medications were allowed to come with me.

Yesterday I had an IEP meeting with the school district. This did not get completed and so we will have to meet again next week. We have asked the school district to pay for sons residential placement in the event that we do not win the appeal with the ICG, not sure what they are going to do.

Now today, son was discharged from Hospital with the recomendation that he attend a theraputic day school in the interim. I went to fill his meds that he was discharged with, and of course our insurance and the state will not fill them because that has already been done! We called the house to have the meds released, and they refuse to do so until tomorrow when he is officially discharged, even though if he were home for a visit they could send meds with him. So I have a child, just released from the hospital, with no meds!!!!

this is just a very brief over view of what has happend. It is a lot more complicated and involved. In the midst of all of this, I have had to continue to push myself far past the "limits" I know I have to have in place. And since he is home for at the very least 3 weeks, I will have to continue to push myself. The only question is how long before my body says no more and shuts completely down.

I am so excited that it is Friday! This week has seemed to just drain every little ounce out of me. When I got up this morning, I had the shakes really bad, and had a very difficult time standing! Found out last night that sons soccer tournament for this weekend was cancelled, so I have decided to take a MEcation this weekend. I went and rented five movies, found a good book, and I am going to camp out in bed all weekend. I will spend some time stitching, watching movies, reading, taking naps...whatever I need to recharge and get ready for next week. You know sometimes I really resent have an illness that can strip so much from me, but I have decided that I am looking at this all wrong. How many people can seriously take a MEcation for a whole weekend? It is only because of the MS that I am able to do this, and for that I guess I am thankful (strange huh?)

I hope to spend a fair amount of time stitching this weekend! I miss the quietness and the comfort that comes from doing the same thing over and over again <-only a stitcher understands this. It is calming, settling, rhythmic, and soothing to my soul~something I desperately need right now.

Update on son, he is still in the hospital. They are looking at a possible release next Wednesday. We still have not heard back on our appeal, we don't have a place for him to go when discharged, and a lot of other things are up in the air. However, this weekend, I have decided NOT to worry about this! I will go full force again on Monday. Until then time for MECATION!!!!

Have you ever put a puzzle together? The more pieces you have in it, the longer it takes for the picture to form on the table in front of you. God does the same thing in our lives. I look at our lives as one big gigantic puzzle with millions of pieces. We often don't see the whole picture until the puzzle is put together (at the end of our life). Along with putting a huge puzzle together comes all those emotions that we go through in life. Thankfulness at getting the piece to fit, pain or anger when we can't find a piece, frustration when we think things are going to slow, or not our way, etc. Sometimes we even try to force the pieces to fit by making decisions that we know we shouldn't, just so we can have a certain outcome. And at the end of the puzzle a sense of accomplishment or completion. I know in my own life all these things are true. What I have missed in my puzzle a lot lately is the Joy! When I sit down to do a puzzle, it is for the joy of doing a puzzle. Very rarely do I think about how hard it will be, how much work it might take, what frustrations lay on the horizon. It is the Joy of Completion. This is what I want for me life. Not that I will always be smiling and light, but the purpose for my very existence shines out in everything I do. That the joy of the Lord and my salvation sustains me. And that I remember that my time on this earth is so short, the bible says its but a vapor.

Joy.....Joy Unspeakable -> because in humanity it is not understood!

HA HA HA...You thought I was going to say the old adage of "Life is a bowl of cherries, and I am down with the pits" (or however that goes). Well You are WRONG! I am not going to say that, simply because no matter how bad things may seem in my little world, I can always find someone who has a far more difficult struggle in their lives.

I have learned a few things in the past few weeks, that I thought I would share.

1. I simply do not have enough time in each of my days. No matter how hard I try to add an extra hour, or two, or ten (by not sleeping), it just simply is never enough.
2. I have got to learn to prioritize every portion of my life. Things have an evil way of sneaking in and taking away from you the very things you love and make you happy~like reading my bible, praying and cross-stitch.
   
3. No matter how weak I am through my struggles, God will make me strong enough to endure. Just when I think I am at the very end of what I can handle (and believe me there has been a multitude of times in the last few weeks that I have been there) God comes along through a word from a friend, a card in the mail, an unexpected email, or just in the rare quietness of a moment and picks me back up again.
   

Through all circumstances, God truly does sustain me. Now if I could just convince Him to add a few more hours to my day so I could stitch, life would be grand :) (just kidding of course......well kind of).

"BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD" PSALMS 46:10

Okay if there was one thing I could ask for today, it would be QUIET! Its not the "noise" of the world, but more the static of my brain, as I try to get all things done. I have been working diligently (from sun up to sunset) on a new placement for my son after he leaves the hospital. Because of the problems we are having with the grant that pays for his placement, it seems most placements won't consider him. We have to have something in place by Friday morning-when we are going to court.

I also found out on Sunday that we are closing down our youth center. Of course Robert is graduating and leaving the end of May. I had already scheduled his party at the youth center, but it will be closed. Now with just 3 weeks or so left, I have to scramble and deal with finding a new place. I have yet to do the invitations and so forth. That all has to be done by Friday as well.

On top of all of this, I am in charge of Cookie Dough orders (that are delivered on April 30th) and can't get out of my commitments. And I am on the committee to do our home tournament on Memorial Day weekend. There are lots of small details that need to be taken care of here and there with that.

The only thing keeping me going is knowing I have lots of prayer support, and a God who heaps His love on me. Honestly moving moment by moment right now, attempting to keep my own sanity, and praying for the night when the quiet can come (if only for a few hours).

Well for those of you have followed my blog, for any amount of time, this will come of no shock~! Our life has once again been turned UPSIDE Down! Yesterday I drove down to our states capital and testified about the need for more mental health funds, correct procedures and the what not. After, I was interviewed by one of the local television anchors out of Decatur, and I just a minute ago watched my interview on Television. That was interesting to say the least!

I spent the evening with my severe needs son, getting him hospitalized after what we feel is a complete breakdown in his care.

Today I have spent the day taking phone calls, spending time getting things in order, going to appointments etc. I got my "bad" test results back from my doctor this afternoon and was told I had very high numbers in my RF numbers, indicating an advanced case of Rheumatoid Arthritis. I will be following up with a Rheumotologist asap. Honestly in the grand scheme of things, it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal!

So here is the latest update of our crazy life!!!

Tim and I celebrated our 16th year anniversary yesterday, by both being in bed (not what you are thinking) by 8pm! I had managed to send the kids off their varies ways, and we decided to go window shopping and then have an early dinner. Tim has been dealing with a horrible cold all week, so we thought that we would come home, snuggle up and watch a little TV just the two of us. Well, he spent the evening on the couch coughing and hacking and being outright miserable. I spent the evening and subsequently most of the night in the bathroom throwing up whatever I had that made me sick.

The funny thing is, on our very first anniversary, we spent the day very much the same. After attempting to go fishing with my husband in 30 degree weather while it was snowing, I spent the entire time huddled under two jackets and a sleeping bag, completely miserable (and NOT fishing). After a few hours, I told him that I was going to go home, and I would see him later. By the time I had gotten home, I had the chills and was running 103 temp. Straight to bed I went. Several hours went by, and home came my husband with the same affliction. He slept on the couch and took over the bed. There we stayed for the remainder of our anniversary night.

Good Times I tell ya! All in all, I am so very glad to have the man I do in my life, and am looking forward to the next 16 years and more!