Random Ramblings

Is that really all it has been since Robert has left home? Haven't heard from him since his "cryptic" call last week telling me he had injured his ankle and might have to come home, or start back at the beginning. I am assuming no news, is good news....however, as a mother, a little news would be a bit comforting. I know that I have a lot to get used to with him being an adult and out on his own. I also know that when he serves his time overseas, I will hear from him very sparingly. But knowing, and getting that through to the "mama's apron strings" are two different things!!

Zech is still struggling with being home, and all the changes that had to take place. We lost our appeal for the grant that paid for his placement, and so at the end of this month we will lose all our respite services as well. Essentially it will be all in our laps at that point, and we will have no extra help with his needs. The thought terrifies me!! I have found that each day my energy level is lower than the day before, and it seems as if I can barely get the "little" things done. Tim has really tried to pick up the slack and help around the house....and that is so appreciated. I think right now, our hope is to make it through the summer. At least when school starts, even though it is chaotic in its own way, it is a scheduled chaotic.

Stitching is actually something I have been able to do quite a bit lately. Since my new situation requires being centrally located in the house, I have been sitting in the living room and stitching, reading and playing Farm Town on Face Book. I needed to do something that would help me deal with the time I am away from Robert, so I begun working on a new project called Freedom (Stoney Creek pattern). I am done with one of the four pages. I finished all of the back stitch on page one before moving on to the next page, simply because there is a lot of back stitch on dark colors, and figured it would be easier to do it that way.

Josh and Allyssa are spending quite a bit of time away from home so far this summer. Seems that either or both are gone nearly every night. It is their way of coping with the new situations.

Tim is still working. Right now, he is actually working a lot~48 hours or more. That helps with the extra financial worries that came along with moving Zech home. The job is still tenuous at best, as they have to prove that they can and are making a profit within a specific amount of time. Time will only tell on that end, but at least for now he is working, and I am very grateful for that fact.

Well thats about all of my update. Will try to update again in the near future.

It has been crazy here with Zech having moved home again. Seems like I have precious little time for much of anything, except maybe a lot of PRAYING. I have had two phone calls from Robert. The first one was last Tuesday evening to tell me that he was still stuck in reception (apparently very common for new enlisted) and that he would be shipping to basic training in the morning. The next phone call was tonight. I did not catch the phone in time, so he left me a message. Apparently he has injured his ankle. Not sure how badly. He said they would be making a decision in the next few days as to whether he can go back and start his basic over, or he has to come home for 30 days to heal. I am praying that he gets a rapid and full recovery. I think it would hurt him immensely having to come home and start this all over again.

As for stitching, when I get a chance, I have been working on a Freedom piece. I needed to do something that represented Robert as I prayed for him...and that is what I chose. I will try to put a picture online sometime this week. Zech starts summer school on Wed. and I am hopeful that will free up a bit of my time. Thanks to all my friends who I know are praying!!!!!

Today was a bitter sweet day in so many ways. First it was Memorial Day, and we are so thankful for the men and women who have served our country! Second it was Robert's going away party. We will be taking him to leave for Basic Training in the morning. I never knew how badly it would hurt to say goodbye, or how my heart would tear apart for him as I watched him struggle to say goodbye to those he loves tonight! This by far is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and yet I know it is part of the life cycle that must go on. I think back over the years, all the times I joked about when the kids left home. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could have a few more weeks/months with him. And yet, I also know that he is not gone forever. I will see him in August. I am sending him away as a teen, but I know I will be getting him back as a full fledged man. It amazes me how quickly time flies. What a realization that time is so short, and we need to cherish each and every moment of it. I wish I had learned that lesson earlier in life, rather then being so intent on moving my kids on.

I thought I would just post a quick update. Today starts our home tournament in Morton. Our weekend is full of five soccer games, Josh is reffing five additional games, plus I have to work at some point since I was on the tournament committee. Its pure craziness! Last night was Robert's Open House for his graduation. He had several friends show up, which was really nice. I was glad that he got to spend some time with the people who have been part of his life the last few years. Monday afternoon (Memorial Day) we will be getting together with family and close friends for a cook out. It is a sending away party for Robert, but also a good reason to get together with those we care about. Robert will then board a bus at 4pm on Tuesday afternoon and head up to MEPS in Chicago. He will board a plane on Wed. for Georgia. The recruiters told us we would not see him again until Christmas (Unless I am able to figure a way to get down to his basic graduation). I really was holding up fairly well, that is until last night. I woke up several times with nightmares, crying, and praying for him. It was the first time it really struck about all the "What ifs"... I try not to think about those things. Being a parent and letting go of your children is not an easy task. Mine is compounded I believe by the quickness of his departure after graduation. Oh well, I will get through this too. God will take care of all, and that is what I have to keep telling myself!

Woke up this morning, unable to attend Josh's soccer game, so I sent Tim and here I sit in bed contemplating today. The first thought in my head is all the stuff that still needs to be done this week. Then I realized that today...TODAY... my baby is graduating from High School. A feat we thought nearly impossible just a few short months ago. A year ago he nearly died, and we never thought we would see this day. Now yes, as you expect, I am sitting here tears rolling down my checks, for my baby is graduating from High School. Then I begin to think....WOW where in the world did the time go??? Life is so short, time spent with your children even shorter! I could spend all day telling myself about all the things I did wrong as a mother. Instead, I am choosing to look at my son today, and realize all the things I did RIGHT! After all, he is graduating. He has a career that he will be starting in 9 days, and he is healthy and happy. What more could a mother want for her son?

So, off I go to watch my "baby" graduate! And YES I packed plenty of kleenex!

Today we had a meeting with our school district concerning Zech and his placement. We went into the meeting asking that the school place him in a residential facility because we believed that the school could not offer him the services he required to succeed. The school district decided that they would not place him into a residential placement, and in turn told us that they could provide him with the services "required by law". This means that barring a reversal on the denial of our ICG grant, the worst scenario has now happened. Zech will be home with us long term. Honestly I can not begin to tell you how I am grieving. I am absolutely beside myself right now. I CAN NOT maintain him in my home. Even Zech has told me he can't maintain at home. I just am at a total loss as to which way to turn to next. My hopes were high this morning that I had enough evidence to prove the need for the school to pay for a residential placement. Apparently the man on the moon wouldn't have enough evidence! So here I am now, living out the nightmare. Our services that we did qualify for will end on June 1st. Meaning that whatever the school gives him will be the only services he receives!

Officially Robert Has Graduated!!!! THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE!

I can't believe that my baby will be walking across that stage and receiving his diploma in just a few days. So many times we questioned this day would ever happen. Most especially last year when he took an overdose and nearly died. I am thankful that God held on to him, and used that experience to shape his life! I am SO proud of my son, the man he has become, and the decisions he has made in his life. My heart aches at the knowledge that he is no longer my "little boy" and that he now will enter into adulthood and all that comes with it. I pray as he goes that he stays safe, that God has a 'perfect' match for his future, and that he finds satisfaction in the job he has chosen, to be a United States military man.

This is a picture of the project I am working on...His Name Is Jesus. It is a free chart and can be found HERE!

I began to wonder if I will ever be able to post an update to my cross-stitch on my blog again. Things have been so chaotic and crazy here, that even if I did have time to pick up a needle and my stitching, I couldn't concentrate on it anyway. I am looking forward to Wednesday though. I will be taking Zech back to the hospital for some testing (between 6 and 8 hours worth). There are nice comfy chairs in the waiting area, so I am thinking I shall just camp out with a diet coke, my stitching and a good book. The lady at the hospital was concerned about me sitting there, and I said...Oh no, I look forward to having some quiet time all to myself...No worries LOL. I am hopeful to finish by "Names for Jesus" then. I am about 3/4 of the way done. I will take it and another project and see how far I can get!

As for the other things, well life is still very difficult. Even Tim is starting to really have trouble with Zech. We are on our fifth full day with him home. This is the longest he has been home in almost three years. He is struggling, we are struggling, the other two kids are really struggling. It is such a challenge on the household, and since everything has to be so structured, it is really tiring to make sure he is getting what he needs. I haven't had a full night sleep since he has been home. Even with Tim home at night, every time Zech is up, I am awake. Last night that meant between midnight and 6 am being woke up five different times. While mostly I can go back to sleep fairly quickly~ once I know he went back to sleep, it means that I am sleeping really lightly.

My health is suffering now. I noticed today that I am having to really push myself just to walk, even with my cane. My legs are exhausted, and my body feels like I have run several marathons. Unfortunately I can't slow down for at least another week. I just pray God keeps me healthy until the first week of June.

Well off to Tim's baseball game. We weren't going to go, because it is a 9pm game, but I don't want to be left home alone with Zech, so we are all going, even if it means Allyssa is out late on a school night.

For the first time in 7 years, I had all four of my children home for Mother's Day. It has been an extremely emotional day, as I realize that it may be many years again before they are all home once more. Robert and I had a good talk this afternoon. I told him how proud I am of him, and what a mature wonderful man he has become. The thought of him leaving in just over two weeks is overwhelming at times, and I find myself crying at the drop of a hat. For that I am glad that the next few weeks are filled with multiple tasks, and very busy! I always joked that I couldn't wait until they left home, but I am finding it much harder then I expected it to be.

Hope all my friends had a happy mother's day today, and have a year full of many blessings~

Okay, if you just read the title it kind of sounds fun. But it is anything but fun. Life has really been to hectic for me to update, other then very briefly, all that has been going on. So here goes!

The end of March I received a letter from the Illinois Care Grant Program Collaborative stating that my son, who is mentally ill, no longer qualifies for the grant they had been providing for his care in a residential placement facility. We submitted an appeal to this denial which is in review right now. In addition I am applying for a new grant, which of course means lots of paperwork and lots of time.

On April 20th, I received a phone call from my sons school social worker stating that he had sought her ought and told her he had been hallucinating and was very depressed, and that he had told us that past weekend the same thing. I happened to have been in the car while talking with her on the phone, traveling with my attorney to Springfield to a news conference. That conversation in turn, began the wheels turning which eventually landed my son hospitalized at a lock down facility. In the process of all of this, it came to light that my son had mentioned to multiple staff members his depression and the auditory and visual hallucinations and was told such things as, "Your lying," "Your being manipulative", "Go take a shower it will all be better", "Your faking" and etc.

In the interim, while my son was placed in the hospital, I continued to work on finding a placement that was more suitable for him. I went to the house that he had been placed and picked up his clothes and other items. Upon getting them home, there was not one piece of clothing or bedding that was soaked with urine. They had not returned all of his personal items, and dirty dishes were thrown in the boxes with other stuff. Some of his bedding was actually still wet, and this was several days after his initial hospitalization. At this time none of his money, his food cards or his medications were allowed to come with me.

Yesterday I had an IEP meeting with the school district. This did not get completed and so we will have to meet again next week. We have asked the school district to pay for sons residential placement in the event that we do not win the appeal with the ICG, not sure what they are going to do.

Now today, son was discharged from Hospital with the recomendation that he attend a theraputic day school in the interim. I went to fill his meds that he was discharged with, and of course our insurance and the state will not fill them because that has already been done! We called the house to have the meds released, and they refuse to do so until tomorrow when he is officially discharged, even though if he were home for a visit they could send meds with him. So I have a child, just released from the hospital, with no meds!!!!

this is just a very brief over view of what has happend. It is a lot more complicated and involved. In the midst of all of this, I have had to continue to push myself far past the "limits" I know I have to have in place. And since he is home for at the very least 3 weeks, I will have to continue to push myself. The only question is how long before my body says no more and shuts completely down.

I am so excited that it is Friday! This week has seemed to just drain every little ounce out of me. When I got up this morning, I had the shakes really bad, and had a very difficult time standing! Found out last night that sons soccer tournament for this weekend was cancelled, so I have decided to take a MEcation this weekend. I went and rented five movies, found a good book, and I am going to camp out in bed all weekend. I will spend some time stitching, watching movies, reading, taking naps...whatever I need to recharge and get ready for next week. You know sometimes I really resent have an illness that can strip so much from me, but I have decided that I am looking at this all wrong. How many people can seriously take a MEcation for a whole weekend? It is only because of the MS that I am able to do this, and for that I guess I am thankful (strange huh?)

I hope to spend a fair amount of time stitching this weekend! I miss the quietness and the comfort that comes from doing the same thing over and over again <-only a stitcher understands this. It is calming, settling, rhythmic, and soothing to my soul~something I desperately need right now.

Update on son, he is still in the hospital. They are looking at a possible release next Wednesday. We still have not heard back on our appeal, we don't have a place for him to go when discharged, and a lot of other things are up in the air. However, this weekend, I have decided NOT to worry about this! I will go full force again on Monday. Until then time for MECATION!!!!

Have you ever put a puzzle together? The more pieces you have in it, the longer it takes for the picture to form on the table in front of you. God does the same thing in our lives. I look at our lives as one big gigantic puzzle with millions of pieces. We often don't see the whole picture until the puzzle is put together (at the end of our life). Along with putting a huge puzzle together comes all those emotions that we go through in life. Thankfulness at getting the piece to fit, pain or anger when we can't find a piece, frustration when we think things are going to slow, or not our way, etc. Sometimes we even try to force the pieces to fit by making decisions that we know we shouldn't, just so we can have a certain outcome. And at the end of the puzzle a sense of accomplishment or completion. I know in my own life all these things are true. What I have missed in my puzzle a lot lately is the Joy! When I sit down to do a puzzle, it is for the joy of doing a puzzle. Very rarely do I think about how hard it will be, how much work it might take, what frustrations lay on the horizon. It is the Joy of Completion. This is what I want for me life. Not that I will always be smiling and light, but the purpose for my very existence shines out in everything I do. That the joy of the Lord and my salvation sustains me. And that I remember that my time on this earth is so short, the bible says its but a vapor.

Joy.....Joy Unspeakable -> because in humanity it is not understood!

HA HA HA...You thought I was going to say the old adage of "Life is a bowl of cherries, and I am down with the pits" (or however that goes). Well You are WRONG! I am not going to say that, simply because no matter how bad things may seem in my little world, I can always find someone who has a far more difficult struggle in their lives.

I have learned a few things in the past few weeks, that I thought I would share.

1. I simply do not have enough time in each of my days. No matter how hard I try to add an extra hour, or two, or ten (by not sleeping), it just simply is never enough.
2. I have got to learn to prioritize every portion of my life. Things have an evil way of sneaking in and taking away from you the very things you love and make you happy~like reading my bible, praying and cross-stitch.
   
3. No matter how weak I am through my struggles, God will make me strong enough to endure. Just when I think I am at the very end of what I can handle (and believe me there has been a multitude of times in the last few weeks that I have been there) God comes along through a word from a friend, a card in the mail, an unexpected email, or just in the rare quietness of a moment and picks me back up again.
   

Through all circumstances, God truly does sustain me. Now if I could just convince Him to add a few more hours to my day so I could stitch, life would be grand :) (just kidding of course......well kind of).

"BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD" PSALMS 46:10

Okay if there was one thing I could ask for today, it would be QUIET! Its not the "noise" of the world, but more the static of my brain, as I try to get all things done. I have been working diligently (from sun up to sunset) on a new placement for my son after he leaves the hospital. Because of the problems we are having with the grant that pays for his placement, it seems most placements won't consider him. We have to have something in place by Friday morning-when we are going to court.

I also found out on Sunday that we are closing down our youth center. Of course Robert is graduating and leaving the end of May. I had already scheduled his party at the youth center, but it will be closed. Now with just 3 weeks or so left, I have to scramble and deal with finding a new place. I have yet to do the invitations and so forth. That all has to be done by Friday as well.

On top of all of this, I am in charge of Cookie Dough orders (that are delivered on April 30th) and can't get out of my commitments. And I am on the committee to do our home tournament on Memorial Day weekend. There are lots of small details that need to be taken care of here and there with that.

The only thing keeping me going is knowing I have lots of prayer support, and a God who heaps His love on me. Honestly moving moment by moment right now, attempting to keep my own sanity, and praying for the night when the quiet can come (if only for a few hours).

Well for those of you have followed my blog, for any amount of time, this will come of no shock~! Our life has once again been turned UPSIDE Down! Yesterday I drove down to our states capital and testified about the need for more mental health funds, correct procedures and the what not. After, I was interviewed by one of the local television anchors out of Decatur, and I just a minute ago watched my interview on Television. That was interesting to say the least!

I spent the evening with my severe needs son, getting him hospitalized after what we feel is a complete breakdown in his care.

Today I have spent the day taking phone calls, spending time getting things in order, going to appointments etc. I got my "bad" test results back from my doctor this afternoon and was told I had very high numbers in my RF numbers, indicating an advanced case of Rheumatoid Arthritis. I will be following up with a Rheumotologist asap. Honestly in the grand scheme of things, it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal!

So here is the latest update of our crazy life!!!

Tim and I celebrated our 16th year anniversary yesterday, by both being in bed (not what you are thinking) by 8pm! I had managed to send the kids off their varies ways, and we decided to go window shopping and then have an early dinner. Tim has been dealing with a horrible cold all week, so we thought that we would come home, snuggle up and watch a little TV just the two of us. Well, he spent the evening on the couch coughing and hacking and being outright miserable. I spent the evening and subsequently most of the night in the bathroom throwing up whatever I had that made me sick.

The funny thing is, on our very first anniversary, we spent the day very much the same. After attempting to go fishing with my husband in 30 degree weather while it was snowing, I spent the entire time huddled under two jackets and a sleeping bag, completely miserable (and NOT fishing). After a few hours, I told him that I was going to go home, and I would see him later. By the time I had gotten home, I had the chills and was running 103 temp. Straight to bed I went. Several hours went by, and home came my husband with the same affliction. He slept on the couch and took over the bed. There we stayed for the remainder of our anniversary night.

Good Times I tell ya! All in all, I am so very glad to have the man I do in my life, and am looking forward to the next 16 years and more!

Despite my rant on Sunday, I really am in good spirits (thanks to all my friends who emailed me support, love and hugs). The dryer is still really broke, but we have a nice man in the basement right now trying to fix it. Tim and I decided rather then buy a used appliance with no warranty, we would fix this one, one more time, and then save for a new set. Our hopes is to get a nice set that can eventually go in our kitchen, so it is more accessible for me to do laundry. The window on the van is still broke, but what do I need all the drive through McDonald's for anyway??? Maybe God is trying to get me to go on a diet! As for the freezer/fridge? Well the darn thing isn't leaking, and all we can figure out is someone (NOT NAMING NAMES) dropped an ice cube on the floor, which then melted and went under the fridge!

So on to nicer things! Allyssa had her second class of Tae Kwon Do last night (for those not familiar, it is a form of martial arts). I was very impressed by how gentle the teacher was with the instructions to her. It was if he understood her before he really even got to know her. He would say things like, Allyssa you are doing really well for your second time in class and one time she did something right that others had not, he really doted and praised her. The smile on her face told me everything! It is the first time I have seen her actually "love" something like that, and I am so glad that she has found her niche'!

Joshua has started soccer practices. We practice four days a week. It has been an incredible opportunity for him, as our club team has hired coaches from the Chicago Fire MLS (Major league soccer) Team. I am hopeful that the extra training and expertise will help the kids, and Josh step up to that next level! I remind myself, while in the midst of the drudgery of driving too and from soccer practice, that in the end it will pay off....:)

Zech is still living in his placement for the time being. We are working with several individuals to make sure we make the best decisions on his behalf, and that we fight for everything he needs. We are on a very tight time line, and so, we are working diligently to get things done.

Robert is almost graduated! We are down to the wire now, and there are very few days left for things to be done. He is now beginning to prepare for the various things he will need once he leaves for Basic Training. Of course, he thinks he needs more then he does, and so we are battling with that. I have decided to talk strait to the Sgts. in charge of him and get the truth right from their mouths, rather then get a second hand account from my son.

My health, I am afraid has begun to really suffer from the impacts of the stress in our lives right now. I am trying to be very careful to get lots of sleep, and pay attention to what is going on around me. I have tried to reduce as much stress as I can~but honestly lets face it, we all have stressors in our lives no matter how hard we try. I have to learn how not to let that stress affect me. My biggest issue is when things affect my kids. But I am learning.

Tim's job is still open. That is all I am going to say on that point, because honestly we know nothing else about it. Could be another few months before we really know the extent of everything.

This week is special for us, as Tim and I will be celebrating 16 years of marriage on Friday. Wow has time flown by. Well my loving husband is forcing me off the computer, so I will type more later!

Have you ever heard the saying, "Things come in threes"? Okay so maybe it only applies to celebrity deaths, that is unless of course you are me! So here is my run down of the week. The first thing to break was the drivers side window on our mini-van. No big deal, right?! That is until you try to go through the drive through of your local bank, or to get a "fix" at the local McDonald's. Still, all and all, not disastrous. Then yesterday, the dryer broke. And I mean COMPLETELY broke! After 7 hours of "air" dry, my load of clothes was still wet. So off I went to my local Menards (for those of you in other countries, that is our chain hardware store). There I bought two clotheslines, clothes pins etc. And at 10:30 last night, Tim and I hung clothes lines in the dark. Then this morning, Very early~thanks to the neighbors who are putting a new roof on the house, and insist on starting at the crack of dawn~ I was out hanging clothes on the new clothes line so they wouldn't get mildewy. The third thing, well I came inside from hanging up the clothes, and noticed a nice size puddle under my freezer door. Not sure yet where the water is leaking from, but my guess is that either the water in the door, or the ice maker has sprung a leak. Ugghhh!!! So, that is my threes, and I should be good for the rest of the year, right?!

At least my hubby still has a job, for the time being!!! Hopefully we will be able to find a used dryer tomorrow. I can do without water and ice in the door, and the drivers side window not working..........but I can not deal with not having a dryer. I don't mind hanging clothes, but with it being spring, and the weather so unpredictable, one never knows if the clothes will have a chance to dry. And I wash every day to stay on top of it.

HI! Yes, I have went absolutely crazy! Okay well maybe I was already there, but anyway :). Left on Monday morning with my best friend, my youngest two (Josh and Allyssa) and my best friends daughter Emily. We had filled the back of Mary's little SUV with a bunch of food and goodies to munch on, as well as all the clothes we could possibly need for an overnight trip~Remember there were FOUR of us "women" in the car!!! Josh brought one very small bag, carrying all his essentials, and we filled the rest of the car LOL. Our plans were to drive the hour and a half to a small town called Utica Illinois, where we would play for a blissful 48 hours in the indoor water park. Wanna see what it was? CLICK HERE

Okay, so we got lost going up. My fault. I of course thought I had been to the area enough times to know the way, without looking at a map. (Tim and I go up every year for our anniversary). Well, I was wrong LOL. It all ended up good, as we just took a minor detour and spent some time looking at historic Peru. Finally, upon getting to the waterpark, the girls (younger ones) could hardly contain themselves to get into the pool. So we checked in, rushed into our swimsuits, and headed off to the pool, where the girls played blissfully for about an hour before getting bored LOL. We did have lots of fun (although the food and the prices of said food was outrageous...food being bad, prices being extremely HIGH). Tuesday morning we got up early, headed back to the pool and such, then went into to town to eat..>Gee why didn't we think of this the night before??!! Oh well. After lunch, and ice cream, we departed and headed home, stopping off at some beautiful canyons to see some waterfalls, and nature.

Tuesday evening began Soccer practice, and wouldn't you know the temperature was a balmy 38?! We arrived at 6:15pm (a full 45 minutes early since Josh was so excited to start). We sat there watching Josh do his various training until almost 9pm...and then took our frozen bodies back home.

This morning, began the fun and excitement of the unknown finally becoming a reality. As of this a.m., Tim's company has officially filed a Chapter 11 bankruptcy. There was also an email circulated that there may be a delay, at the very least, of the employee's wages. Everything else is up in the air, and we will continue to trust that God has it all under control. I continually remind myself of the saying that, "Worry is like a rocking chair, you can rock and rock and never get anywhere." I will place it in God's hands, and then continue on, however with the knowledge that there may need to be some real changes in our very near future!