Random Ramblings

Well, things happened very quick around here. We got the call that our placement and financing came through on Thursday. On Friday morning at 6:30 am, I boarded the train with Zech, and off to Chicago we went. 4 hours and two trains later we ended up at his new house (for the time being). The ride there was good, however, when we got to his placement Zech started back peddling. He began talking back to everyone. Before I left he was crying uncontrollably begging me to not leave him. He said he would do anything I asked if I just took him home. I rode the train back home, and arrived about 10:30 last night. Cried myself to sleep, and have spent most of the day crying off and on. The rest of the day I have cleaned ferociously. Now tonight, I have actually done some stitching, dyed my greys away, and taken a bubble bath. I know that we made the right decision, but......as a mom it hurts. I guess I thought after four placements, I would be over that. But I don't think I will ever be "over it". I know he will be okay, once the get him settled and stable. I have to remind myself constantly that sometimes the best decisions are also the hardest!

I have an update! We have found a placement for Zech. After over 7 months of the unknown, confusion, hurt, and trial it looks like things will be settling rather quickly. the placement has an opening immediately. In fact, the bed is waiting for him! All we are waiting for now is the final paperwork to be done, and a verbal okay to be given. It is very likely that he will be in his new home by the end of next week. The facility is not the one we originally were thinking of, and is a bit further away. However, after doing some review, Tim and I feel it is the best placement for him. They are an extremely recomended facility for dealing with children with multiple disorders. They also have fantastic workings with children who have Autism spectrum disorders. On top of the psychiatric and disabilities workings, the facility is set on 100 acres, with a huge lake on it. They are very big into doing not only traditional therapy, but also some of the other therapies we have had luck with. All in all, I think all is good. Our only hope right now is that this last week moves quickly.

I do not have an update concerning Robert. In fact I have not heard from him since the last time I talked and he said he would be home before last weekend. We have a friend who is "connected" who is going to try to find out some information for us, if we still hear nothing by Sunday.

Today I got relief and reality in one fare swoop. We had a meeting with our local school this morning concerning Zech and his needs. It wasn't long into the meeting before everyone at the table was in agreement that his needs are rather severe. There were many discussions about was/wasn't accomplished this summer with the school, the teachers and there therapist. It seems in many ways, he has stopped at about the level of a 5 year old. The relief came with the suggestion that the school could not provide the services that Zech required, and they agreed to place him back into residential! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Lord!!!!

The Reality struck as we were leaving the meeting. We have all realized that this is as good as it gets for him. He will never be able to live on his own, get married, have children, etc. The reality is that in many ways he will always be a 5 year old kid. Even though I KNOW I have done everything as his mother to help him, I still feel on some level that I have failed. I feel guilty for the relief that I feel knowing that soon he will be living elsewhere (ANYWHERE but here). I feel guilty for my other two at home who have had to endure 6 months of utter chaos, and have lost the little bit of summer that they would normally have. There are feelings of anger, resentment, fear, hurt, grief and so on....that I am sure it will take awhile to figure them all out. But in the mean time, what I really feel is RELIEF!

So, as soon as the school can get a placement lined up, and the paperwork is done, he will be moving. We are hoping (as is the school) that all this will be taking place in the next 30 days!

I have found myself wondering lately what my purpose is here at this time. This all came about after reading a dear friends blog, who also was questioning along the same lines. I think for anyone who has, what they see as limitations, the questioning comes more frequent. So I posed the question to my husband. Exactly what is my purpose right now? He stopped and thought (which is unusual for him). Then he looked at me and said, exactly what you are doing. Being here for the kids, providing safety and comfort in a world that is anything but safe and comforting. But I wanted more, so I began to pray!

Stitching has always been an outlet for me. When I make a particular project, I pray for the person that I am making it for as I work on it. Sometimes I am led to a small project, one that can be done quickly and one that I can work on intensely for a short period of time. I have just such project going right now for a friend of mine. A small token of my appreciation of our friendship. I started it when I knew there was a very real need in her life (a job). And now even before I have completed it, God seems to have answered the prayers! Other projects are long drawn out ones. The "freedom" project I was doing for Robert, has been side lined since he will be coming home for awhile before going back to the Army. That is okay, because I know when he goes again I will be able to pull it back out and continue my prayers for him in the direction.

And yet, I still want more...so I continue to pray!

I have always had a desire to write. I won my first contest when I was like 8 years old. A poem I had written was picked from all the poems that Easter. I won a certificate, and was asked to read my poem on a radio program from an auditorium at the local college. My grandfather and grandmother both were writers. My grandfather published many books of poetry before he died. Both my love of writing and reading have mixed many times over the last few years. I have begun many ventures, but have never been able to finish. Now I am hearing God's voice tell me it's time. But what am I to write, I ask. My husband has great insights and tells me to write about how I kept my faith in God given the circumstances of my life.

And yet, I want more...so I continue to pray!

Last Wednesday night in the church service, our Pastor was talking about our life and how what we spill out is a direct correlation to what is inside. His example was, if you bump a glass of water, water is going to spill over the side of the glass. The question was then when we receive the bumps of life (and boy have I had a lot lately), what do we spill out. Well I didn't like what I saw! And so I began to pray about how I reacted to the things that push into me, and pray about what spills out of my life. In the midst of pain and grief, I have missed opportunities that I could have poured out God. Instead I poured out me.

And finally I have seen. All this is my purpose! I am here to provide comfort and security for my children and my husband. Even if I can not clean, or do dishes, or cook that day, I still have a purpose in being here for them. I have a purpose of being here to listen to them, to encourage them, to give them wise counsel, and to hold them when they are hurt. I am here to pray for those in my life. I have all this extra time that most people don't have, and during it I can spend time in concentrated prayer for the needs of those I care about (and those I don't know yet). God has given me words, and the ability to write, so that I may encourage and uplift others! I need to not worry about "what" I am to write but allow God to move through my fingers, and just WRITE! And last, I have this amazing opportunity to grow myself! How many others can say that they have long periods of time each day in which they can spend reading God's word, praying, learning, and changing! Oh, and I have the added bonus/benefit of getting to do some of the very things that I love to do (Stitching, Writing, Creating).

Seems like the only time I get a chance to write is in very limited times in which life allows me a spare second to update! How annoying LOL. So, my friends, here is an update of what is going on in our house.

We will be meeting with the school district this coming Thursday at 10am. Our hopes is to be able to bring enough evidence to the table as to convince the school that they can not provide the services that Zech needs. And because of the inability of the school to provide an appropriate education that they will need to place him residentially. We are hopeful that not only will this be able to be done, but that the school will move quickly to accomplish this goal! I will update as time becomes available.

Robert is returning home. Right now it looks as if he will be home for a 6 month period before he can re-enlist in the Army. The story is long and complicated. But the gist of it is that Robert was "caught" with cigarettes which is illegal at Basic Training. Because of his previous restart with his ankle, he must now come home for 6 months. We are hoping that he will stay with us, get some money saved up (and some debts paid off), work a job and get himself together so that when he goes back in 6 months that he will be prepared for it!

The kids start school this coming Wednesday. I am really sad as I feel that summer vacation was waisted in so many ways. There was so much chaos and disruption that I feel I missed out on an essential part of the younger kids lives. I hope to make up for that when their Christmas break comes around.

I fell last week, again emphasizing that my body is not going to "forget" that it is still afflicted with MS. I seriously need to begin to change the way I look at things and find new ways to cope with the changes that are happening to my body. My pride needs to take a back seat to my needs.

My plans for the school year are simple. I need to spend more time working on things that I believe I have been given charge to do. My writing is at the top of my list! In fact, I plan on taking at least one day a week and leaving the house for the soul purpose of writing.

Only other new things is Josh will be turning 15 on Tuesday and Allyssa turns 12 on Saturday! Life continues, and we continue. Who would want off this merry-go-round anyway?? LOL :)

Sooooo ever have something that so shakes your world as a parent, that it crumbles the very ground you walk on? Well my life has been full of stress filled days lately. I have been having great difficulty with Zech, as everyone knows. I lost my ability to "walk" without a walker in the last few days. But in all of this, I still had the knowledge that one of my children was doing well. Off and following his dream. Tonight all that came crashing down. I received a very cryptic call. Mainly what was said was...Mom I am coming home. I was kicked out for misconduct. That's all I can say right now, will call you later...... And that was it. I am left reeling. First because he isn't going to be successful in this area, second because I can't honestly have him return home with all the turmoil that I already live in, and three because somehow I feel I failed.

I have always relied on my belief in God and my faith in something better that held me together. I always believed that God would not give me more then I could bare. I believed that even in the midst of the storm, there was a lifeboat! I am lost! There is no life boat, no silver linings, no outpouring of grace from above...only silence!

I am so angry, and hurt, and I don't know what else. I told my husband I quit. But the more I think about it, the more it occurs to me that maybe that is exactly what I am supposed to do...QUIT. Quit trying to control life, QUIT trying to make myself accountable for everyone Else's mistakes...QUIT blaming myself for what my body is unable to do. Maybe I am just supposed to QUIT.

One of my favorite verses in the bible says "Be still and Know that I am God".. This is NOT my normal life...I like to be right in the middle of everything, controlling, managing, directing, etc. maybe it is time to QUIT and be still...???

Did I ever sound sorry for myself! I wish I could take back my last post, but in all honesty, that's how I felt. While the situation has not changed today, I do feel more like myself. I don't know that there is a silver lining in all of this, but I am bound to try to find one, somewhere! Zech has given up! He refuses to try at all, and I have come to the realization that this may be "as good as it gets" with him. It is hard to look at your almost 18 year old son and realize that he will never be able to achieve the things in life that your kids are supposed to achieve (driving, going to college, having a job, kids...). We are actively looking for a placement for him when he turns 18. There are several houses in the area that take on mentally ill or mentally handicapped. Unfortunately, they don't fit his needs. His I.Q. is 70 putting him just on the verge of being mentally handicapped. His processing speed is that of a 3-4 year old, which affects the outcome of his IQ. Unfortunately for him, he has a very high verbal IQ up towards his normal age. All this makes it very difficult to find a place that can work with his needs, while not dumbing everything down completely! Couple this with his mental illness diagnosis's and we have even less places. A lot of the placements that we could look at for his developmental needs will not take him because of his mental needs. All we know is that we MUST find him a placement! We thought at one time that we could care for him ourselves. But we were wrong. I am still very angry with the state for kicking him out of his residential placement. He had made more progress, and now we have gone backward by several years. However, I need to move on from anger to action.

I went out and bought myself a treadmil at a garage sale. I have decided that I have to do something for me, at least once a day, so I am trying to walk for 20 minutes (no easy feat with my own health issues). I am going to attempt to lose some weight (although I am not going to make myself crazy with set ideas about this). I am going to spend some time every day working on my cross-stitch, praying and reading my bible. I may not find any silver linings in the clouds hanging over my head right now, but I know enough to realize that God will see me through. I am going to keep plugging through. At some point I will be able to give the life back to my two younger children. I know I am doing the best that I can, and that HAS to be good enough!

Thanks to all of my friends who responded yesterday and encouraged me. I couldn't ask for a better group of friends. Please know that my comments in my post were not directed toward those who read and responded to me. Rather it was directed at people who are presently involved in the situation we find ourselves in...in the person so to speak.

Okay I have been MIA...Would love to say I fell off the face of the earth, but I could not get quite that lucky. Life in our house has been extremely chaotic and very troublesome lately. My son has decided not to try anymore and has made living with him a rather big chore. He is still doing what he must to stay in our house (go to school, take meds, and go to counseling appts), but he has told counselor that he does not need therapy...and so they sit for an hour once a week staring at each other. WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME!!! My daughter and other son have "run away from home" so to speak. My daughter has been at her best friends house this whole week, and has called begging me not to make her come home! What a very sad existence we have to lead right now.

I am trying to be mindful that, this too shall pass, but seeing no end in sight it becomes rather bleak at times. Honestly, I am in such a state right now, that I don't want to get online and chat, or play games, or pretty much anything. I have worked off and on with my cross-stitching, and have read a lot as an escape. I just feel so overwhelmed and alone in this struggle. I am most of all tired, but I am also angry that so much has had to change because some bureaucrat somewhere saw fit that he would be ultimately better off at home. On the plus side, even now the school is beginning to really have problems with him and his attitude. I no longer feel as though I am swimming in a sea alone. I spent almost an hour talking to Zech's social worker at school this morning, who all but admitted that when we first began working with her she did not see a problem, but has now...and is beginning to understand what we must be going through. Ahh vindication at last! Its not that I really want vindication, cause after all that means he is acting up for someone else, but at the same time, I want people to understand, TO REALLY UNDERSTAND, what we go through on an every day basis. Just getting him up and out of bed is a 45 minute process every morning, and that is before we begin the day doing things like brushing teeth and washing face. I have to constantly clean up after him, much like I did when my kids were two, only now the messes are much bigger, cause he is much bigger!

And then there is the guilt and anger. The guilt at being angry with him for changing our lives so dramatically, the anger at my ex for nearly killing me and causing the brain trauma to my son, the anger at the bureaucracy, the guilt for wanting him to just go somewhere else...when he is my flesh and blood, the anger over what it is doing to my other children and my husband and I's relationship. The complete and utter frustration over what this is doing to my health! Oh and the anger over the friends who have the pat answers, but no real solutions for me. I know they care, I know they want to say something to make it better, but there isn't anything!!!! The thing is I really don't blame my friends. I know they try to understand, and lend a sympathetic ear, and I know that they are stuck as much as I am in this.

Anyways, I guess I will stop my ranting for today. Just please understand that I just don't want to post about my life right now. I can think of no positives among these clouds, and that is just not who I am. I don't like who I am becoming, and I refuse to make my posts to be a constant barrage of negative! I will write again when I have found the silver lining, or at least I am able to see some sunlight gleam through the thick canopy of trees! Thanks all for understanding!

Again I thought I would update on my life.

Stitching~well I was going right along on the "Freedom" pattern that I was doing, and then got sidetracked by a bad wrist. Seems I did something to a tendon or something like that, so the stitching got set aside for a tiny bit. I hope to try to do some tonight, but will have to limit the amount of time I spend on it.

Zech~is still living at home. We have run all our appeals, and today we received word back on our newest grant application. It has been denied. This means that from this moment on, we are on our own. We have very little options for help. Yesterday the police were nearly called to our house. We have come to believe that things will probably not end well in this particular situation, and we will either have to ask Zech to leave our home (because of non-compliance issues) or the police will have to remove him after an episode. He has become increasingly more comfortable and as such has chosen to push further. Once he finds out that we no longer have an option of placing him, I believe he will become terribly difficult to deal with due to his belief that there is nothing we can do. Unfortuantely he is wrong, and while I would hate to kick him out on the streeets and have him fend for himself, I have realized that I just may not have any other choice in the matter.

Robert~We got a letter, actually I should say Tim got a letter, for father's day. Robert says he is doing well, keeping his spirits up, and staying out of trouble. He asked how we liked the 90+ degree days here in Illinois, then informed us that it was "hotter then hell" in Georgia, where they haven't been below 100 in about a week now. I feel for him, I really do. But I guess the training in all weather types will be invaluable. I look forward to hearing from him again soon, perhaps even this Sunday.

Today I had a doctors appointment. To say that I am a bit upset, would be putting it lightly. But the basic jist of the appointment was that the medicine that they could give me to help with certain things, my body will not tolerate. So my options? Deal with the pain, lose some weight, get in the pool....and my all time favorite. DESTRESS!!!!! Yeah Right!!!! I don't know what world the doctor lives in, but it is certainly not mine!

I have started PRISM today (basically lean meats, fruits and veges and little else). I know from doing this before that it helped immensly with my pain but it is very difficult to do when I am not stressed. Since I am a stress eater, it will be even harder to follow. But I have to control something, and this is something I can control.

Anyways, there is my update. Will try to get back more often. Only thing I seem to be doing a lot of, besides PRAYING, is reading. It is so nice to escape into a good book. Too bad I have to come out of it.

Is that really all it has been since Robert has left home? Haven't heard from him since his "cryptic" call last week telling me he had injured his ankle and might have to come home, or start back at the beginning. I am assuming no news, is good news....however, as a mother, a little news would be a bit comforting. I know that I have a lot to get used to with him being an adult and out on his own. I also know that when he serves his time overseas, I will hear from him very sparingly. But knowing, and getting that through to the "mama's apron strings" are two different things!!

Zech is still struggling with being home, and all the changes that had to take place. We lost our appeal for the grant that paid for his placement, and so at the end of this month we will lose all our respite services as well. Essentially it will be all in our laps at that point, and we will have no extra help with his needs. The thought terrifies me!! I have found that each day my energy level is lower than the day before, and it seems as if I can barely get the "little" things done. Tim has really tried to pick up the slack and help around the house....and that is so appreciated. I think right now, our hope is to make it through the summer. At least when school starts, even though it is chaotic in its own way, it is a scheduled chaotic.

Stitching is actually something I have been able to do quite a bit lately. Since my new situation requires being centrally located in the house, I have been sitting in the living room and stitching, reading and playing Farm Town on Face Book. I needed to do something that would help me deal with the time I am away from Robert, so I begun working on a new project called Freedom (Stoney Creek pattern). I am done with one of the four pages. I finished all of the back stitch on page one before moving on to the next page, simply because there is a lot of back stitch on dark colors, and figured it would be easier to do it that way.

Josh and Allyssa are spending quite a bit of time away from home so far this summer. Seems that either or both are gone nearly every night. It is their way of coping with the new situations.

Tim is still working. Right now, he is actually working a lot~48 hours or more. That helps with the extra financial worries that came along with moving Zech home. The job is still tenuous at best, as they have to prove that they can and are making a profit within a specific amount of time. Time will only tell on that end, but at least for now he is working, and I am very grateful for that fact.

Well thats about all of my update. Will try to update again in the near future.

It has been crazy here with Zech having moved home again. Seems like I have precious little time for much of anything, except maybe a lot of PRAYING. I have had two phone calls from Robert. The first one was last Tuesday evening to tell me that he was still stuck in reception (apparently very common for new enlisted) and that he would be shipping to basic training in the morning. The next phone call was tonight. I did not catch the phone in time, so he left me a message. Apparently he has injured his ankle. Not sure how badly. He said they would be making a decision in the next few days as to whether he can go back and start his basic over, or he has to come home for 30 days to heal. I am praying that he gets a rapid and full recovery. I think it would hurt him immensely having to come home and start this all over again.

As for stitching, when I get a chance, I have been working on a Freedom piece. I needed to do something that represented Robert as I prayed for him...and that is what I chose. I will try to put a picture online sometime this week. Zech starts summer school on Wed. and I am hopeful that will free up a bit of my time. Thanks to all my friends who I know are praying!!!!!

Today was a bitter sweet day in so many ways. First it was Memorial Day, and we are so thankful for the men and women who have served our country! Second it was Robert's going away party. We will be taking him to leave for Basic Training in the morning. I never knew how badly it would hurt to say goodbye, or how my heart would tear apart for him as I watched him struggle to say goodbye to those he loves tonight! This by far is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and yet I know it is part of the life cycle that must go on. I think back over the years, all the times I joked about when the kids left home. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could have a few more weeks/months with him. And yet, I also know that he is not gone forever. I will see him in August. I am sending him away as a teen, but I know I will be getting him back as a full fledged man. It amazes me how quickly time flies. What a realization that time is so short, and we need to cherish each and every moment of it. I wish I had learned that lesson earlier in life, rather then being so intent on moving my kids on.

I thought I would just post a quick update. Today starts our home tournament in Morton. Our weekend is full of five soccer games, Josh is reffing five additional games, plus I have to work at some point since I was on the tournament committee. Its pure craziness! Last night was Robert's Open House for his graduation. He had several friends show up, which was really nice. I was glad that he got to spend some time with the people who have been part of his life the last few years. Monday afternoon (Memorial Day) we will be getting together with family and close friends for a cook out. It is a sending away party for Robert, but also a good reason to get together with those we care about. Robert will then board a bus at 4pm on Tuesday afternoon and head up to MEPS in Chicago. He will board a plane on Wed. for Georgia. The recruiters told us we would not see him again until Christmas (Unless I am able to figure a way to get down to his basic graduation). I really was holding up fairly well, that is until last night. I woke up several times with nightmares, crying, and praying for him. It was the first time it really struck about all the "What ifs"... I try not to think about those things. Being a parent and letting go of your children is not an easy task. Mine is compounded I believe by the quickness of his departure after graduation. Oh well, I will get through this too. God will take care of all, and that is what I have to keep telling myself!

Woke up this morning, unable to attend Josh's soccer game, so I sent Tim and here I sit in bed contemplating today. The first thought in my head is all the stuff that still needs to be done this week. Then I realized that today...TODAY... my baby is graduating from High School. A feat we thought nearly impossible just a few short months ago. A year ago he nearly died, and we never thought we would see this day. Now yes, as you expect, I am sitting here tears rolling down my checks, for my baby is graduating from High School. Then I begin to think....WOW where in the world did the time go??? Life is so short, time spent with your children even shorter! I could spend all day telling myself about all the things I did wrong as a mother. Instead, I am choosing to look at my son today, and realize all the things I did RIGHT! After all, he is graduating. He has a career that he will be starting in 9 days, and he is healthy and happy. What more could a mother want for her son?

So, off I go to watch my "baby" graduate! And YES I packed plenty of kleenex!

Today we had a meeting with our school district concerning Zech and his placement. We went into the meeting asking that the school place him in a residential facility because we believed that the school could not offer him the services he required to succeed. The school district decided that they would not place him into a residential placement, and in turn told us that they could provide him with the services "required by law". This means that barring a reversal on the denial of our ICG grant, the worst scenario has now happened. Zech will be home with us long term. Honestly I can not begin to tell you how I am grieving. I am absolutely beside myself right now. I CAN NOT maintain him in my home. Even Zech has told me he can't maintain at home. I just am at a total loss as to which way to turn to next. My hopes were high this morning that I had enough evidence to prove the need for the school to pay for a residential placement. Apparently the man on the moon wouldn't have enough evidence! So here I am now, living out the nightmare. Our services that we did qualify for will end on June 1st. Meaning that whatever the school gives him will be the only services he receives!

Officially Robert Has Graduated!!!! THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE!

I can't believe that my baby will be walking across that stage and receiving his diploma in just a few days. So many times we questioned this day would ever happen. Most especially last year when he took an overdose and nearly died. I am thankful that God held on to him, and used that experience to shape his life! I am SO proud of my son, the man he has become, and the decisions he has made in his life. My heart aches at the knowledge that he is no longer my "little boy" and that he now will enter into adulthood and all that comes with it. I pray as he goes that he stays safe, that God has a 'perfect' match for his future, and that he finds satisfaction in the job he has chosen, to be a United States military man.

This is a picture of the project I am working on...His Name Is Jesus. It is a free chart and can be found HERE!

I began to wonder if I will ever be able to post an update to my cross-stitch on my blog again. Things have been so chaotic and crazy here, that even if I did have time to pick up a needle and my stitching, I couldn't concentrate on it anyway. I am looking forward to Wednesday though. I will be taking Zech back to the hospital for some testing (between 6 and 8 hours worth). There are nice comfy chairs in the waiting area, so I am thinking I shall just camp out with a diet coke, my stitching and a good book. The lady at the hospital was concerned about me sitting there, and I said...Oh no, I look forward to having some quiet time all to myself...No worries LOL. I am hopeful to finish by "Names for Jesus" then. I am about 3/4 of the way done. I will take it and another project and see how far I can get!

As for the other things, well life is still very difficult. Even Tim is starting to really have trouble with Zech. We are on our fifth full day with him home. This is the longest he has been home in almost three years. He is struggling, we are struggling, the other two kids are really struggling. It is such a challenge on the household, and since everything has to be so structured, it is really tiring to make sure he is getting what he needs. I haven't had a full night sleep since he has been home. Even with Tim home at night, every time Zech is up, I am awake. Last night that meant between midnight and 6 am being woke up five different times. While mostly I can go back to sleep fairly quickly~ once I know he went back to sleep, it means that I am sleeping really lightly.

My health is suffering now. I noticed today that I am having to really push myself just to walk, even with my cane. My legs are exhausted, and my body feels like I have run several marathons. Unfortunately I can't slow down for at least another week. I just pray God keeps me healthy until the first week of June.

Well off to Tim's baseball game. We weren't going to go, because it is a 9pm game, but I don't want to be left home alone with Zech, so we are all going, even if it means Allyssa is out late on a school night.

For the first time in 7 years, I had all four of my children home for Mother's Day. It has been an extremely emotional day, as I realize that it may be many years again before they are all home once more. Robert and I had a good talk this afternoon. I told him how proud I am of him, and what a mature wonderful man he has become. The thought of him leaving in just over two weeks is overwhelming at times, and I find myself crying at the drop of a hat. For that I am glad that the next few weeks are filled with multiple tasks, and very busy! I always joked that I couldn't wait until they left home, but I am finding it much harder then I expected it to be.

Hope all my friends had a happy mother's day today, and have a year full of many blessings~

Okay, if you just read the title it kind of sounds fun. But it is anything but fun. Life has really been to hectic for me to update, other then very briefly, all that has been going on. So here goes!

The end of March I received a letter from the Illinois Care Grant Program Collaborative stating that my son, who is mentally ill, no longer qualifies for the grant they had been providing for his care in a residential placement facility. We submitted an appeal to this denial which is in review right now. In addition I am applying for a new grant, which of course means lots of paperwork and lots of time.

On April 20th, I received a phone call from my sons school social worker stating that he had sought her ought and told her he had been hallucinating and was very depressed, and that he had told us that past weekend the same thing. I happened to have been in the car while talking with her on the phone, traveling with my attorney to Springfield to a news conference. That conversation in turn, began the wheels turning which eventually landed my son hospitalized at a lock down facility. In the process of all of this, it came to light that my son had mentioned to multiple staff members his depression and the auditory and visual hallucinations and was told such things as, "Your lying," "Your being manipulative", "Go take a shower it will all be better", "Your faking" and etc.

In the interim, while my son was placed in the hospital, I continued to work on finding a placement that was more suitable for him. I went to the house that he had been placed and picked up his clothes and other items. Upon getting them home, there was not one piece of clothing or bedding that was soaked with urine. They had not returned all of his personal items, and dirty dishes were thrown in the boxes with other stuff. Some of his bedding was actually still wet, and this was several days after his initial hospitalization. At this time none of his money, his food cards or his medications were allowed to come with me.

Yesterday I had an IEP meeting with the school district. This did not get completed and so we will have to meet again next week. We have asked the school district to pay for sons residential placement in the event that we do not win the appeal with the ICG, not sure what they are going to do.

Now today, son was discharged from Hospital with the recomendation that he attend a theraputic day school in the interim. I went to fill his meds that he was discharged with, and of course our insurance and the state will not fill them because that has already been done! We called the house to have the meds released, and they refuse to do so until tomorrow when he is officially discharged, even though if he were home for a visit they could send meds with him. So I have a child, just released from the hospital, with no meds!!!!

this is just a very brief over view of what has happend. It is a lot more complicated and involved. In the midst of all of this, I have had to continue to push myself far past the "limits" I know I have to have in place. And since he is home for at the very least 3 weeks, I will have to continue to push myself. The only question is how long before my body says no more and shuts completely down.