Random Ramblings

Sooooo ever have something that so shakes your world as a parent, that it crumbles the very ground you walk on? Well my life has been full of stress filled days lately. I have been having great difficulty with Zech, as everyone knows. I lost my ability to "walk" without a walker in the last few days. But in all of this, I still had the knowledge that one of my children was doing well. Off and following his dream. Tonight all that came crashing down. I received a very cryptic call. Mainly what was said was...Mom I am coming home. I was kicked out for misconduct. That's all I can say right now, will call you later...... And that was it. I am left reeling. First because he isn't going to be successful in this area, second because I can't honestly have him return home with all the turmoil that I already live in, and three because somehow I feel I failed.

I have always relied on my belief in God and my faith in something better that held me together. I always believed that God would not give me more then I could bare. I believed that even in the midst of the storm, there was a lifeboat! I am lost! There is no life boat, no silver linings, no outpouring of grace from above...only silence!

I am so angry, and hurt, and I don't know what else. I told my husband I quit. But the more I think about it, the more it occurs to me that maybe that is exactly what I am supposed to do...QUIT. Quit trying to control life, QUIT trying to make myself accountable for everyone Else's mistakes...QUIT blaming myself for what my body is unable to do. Maybe I am just supposed to QUIT.

One of my favorite verses in the bible says "Be still and Know that I am God".. This is NOT my normal life...I like to be right in the middle of everything, controlling, managing, directing, etc. maybe it is time to QUIT and be still...???